Late night

As I lay in bed just now thinking about my life and where I've been, I felt my body pulling away from me. Like I was shrinking inside of it. A feeling I haven't felt in such a long time and it reminded me that I need to detach more often than I have been. It brought to light a sensation in the back of my mind for awhile now; that I don't like who I've become. A surprise somehow at how it happened.

I don't even know why that is. My whole life has been about knowing why, and yet here I am feeling out of place about pretty much everything I am and have been for awhile now. Not understanding it, and feeling unable to find the answer even though I rest on a deeper thing that I doubt will ever move.

Maybe it's because I feel so alone. I miss the closeness of my past with people. I am happy for them and sad for me. I used to be so care free, and now I'm just a result it seems, of people that I care about leaving my life to varying degrees.

I've always wanted more than people could give and I guess that's nobody's fault. I've always wanted what I gave out to be given back to me.

Whatever it is, I've noticed that being out here alone is destroying the person I fought so hard to become, or more accurately, to undo.

I am out of balance with my need of a flourishing companion filled life, when that's really all I've ever felt good about as a person. Connection. And now it seems like I'm constantly seeing others have what I don't when it comes to that.

Time is all I have, and it feels so wasted the way it is spent. This last leg of my journey to be home and follow my heart is so draining and so difficult. And when it's over, that's when another stage of challenge will begin. But I have to try, because some things you just have to know the answers to.

And I know I will miss this too... because I am insatiable. It's the curse I was born with.