Rambling

I came here to write something and it's all just mush now...

I really need to just start speaking into my damn phone when these thoughts come into my mind. It really is annoying to feel these things and by the end of the night have them be so far gone.

I don't feel there is a central theme for what I would come to express to you right now even though I would like to have one... even though a central theme is always lingering about, unspoken.

Lately I have had a whirlwind of thoughts inside my head. That does tend to happen a lot, but usually it doesn't bother me like it has.

The idea that come July of next year I am going to start trading full-time has been on my mind a lot.

Wondering what the hell I am going to do. Not only trading wise, but with the rest of my life. I have so many passions and interests I am not sure how I will handle them all, or if I will even be successful at trading to begin with. I really want to work on my flexibility. Random I know, but I want to have that back. I feel so unhealthy without it. I also want to for whatever reason develop a really awesome set of abs, the kind on the muscle magazine guys. thinking about those things gets me worried, but at the same time I am pretty sure that when it all comes down to it I will be alright. I'll find a way not to slip into mediocrity like I fear.

Part of that fear comes from knowing that I slipped into it before... I was an unemployed loser for 4 years and the effects of that are still a trauma I deal with. And no, I am not calling anyone unemployed a loser, just myself. It was a mix between me being lazy and scared.

I have never ever felt like I was a person that could handle a normal job. I don't consider it a weakness really anymore, but just an awareness of who I am. I have always really disliked being couped up in an office with all these rules... It has never felt right and I have always resisted it.

As solitary as trucking is, it is the perfect job for me and truly the only drawback that pains me so much is the loneliness. Other than that, I am really free to most of the time make my own hours and fuck off as much as I want. And make no mistake about it, as much fucking off as I do, it actually helps me be as productive as I am, because driving with nothing to focus on but driving can make you tired as hell fast.

On a completely separate tangent, I've noticed lately in my life a serious lack of my ability to form thoughts and express them with the grace that I used to be able to.

I used to be really able to hold my own in an argument or a debate, and usually be eloquent enough and focused enough to dominate it. Not in an asshole way, but a masterful way. What I have observed lately, is that I have seemed to slip into a place where I am off entirely anymore with most things to the point where although I might feel a tiny urge to make a point... I just don't anymore. And due to the lack of engagement with my own thoughts on certain levels, I have lost finesse in doing so when I actually do engage.  I used to be very good at transposing everything into a metaphor to specifically suit the persons frame of mind I was talking to. Now, I generally got nothing.

You remember back in the earlier posts how I mentioned the porn trained brain and how that kept me from being able to comprehend reading words on a food menu because I had become so adapted to recognizing and scanning images? I think I am experiencing a similar thing take place in my reasoning and expressive abilities. Not because of Porn, but because of my voluntary withdrawal from most cares of life.

I think it might be termed "Fatalistic", but I have some to just see everything. EVERYTHING as pure illusion and there is a part, or even whole maybe, that just can't invest anymore in pretty much any point of view enough to focus on its nuances anymore. Now, I've long held the perspective that everything is illusion, but only recently become so dispassionate about taking part in it anymore on most occasions.

And it's spilling over into this blog. At once I feel this compelling feeling to share my knowledge to you, and in the same instance I realize I don't have the energy... I think this is a big deal to me because I have always done really well at the things I do, and this lack of giving a shit is making it difficult to do well at this blog, or at having invested stances in most things in my life.

It all feels so pointless at times. And as negative as that might sound I want to clarify that I don't really feel that it is negative, but that it is just an observation I am making.

I truly feel that things are pointless on their own and it's up to us to give them meaning. And as much as I imagined this blog having meaning for myself and others, I feel that perhaps it doesn't have enough for me to focus the way I would have in the past. My ideas for posts are awesome in comparison to what I have actually manifested so far, but really by the time I get here plus realize no one is even reading this it just zaps the desire to put in 100%.  Add to that I just had a long day and why would I want to spend several hours producing a class A product that no one is going to acknowledge? Doesn't make me feel so bad when I think of it that way.

I mean... who ever the hell is reading this  is probably reading it the same way I read many things I enjoy reading. I take it in, and I leave without saying a word most of the time.

As a consumer the experience is one thing, and as a producer, another. Consumers far outweigh the producers.

I guess part of me hoped to be having an interaction through this medium, because what I am doing here is important to me. And as humans, interacting with other humans is where so much value and purpose stems from in life. It just feels like a waste to be sharing shit I already know, because I could just keep it to  myself.

But I have to acknowledge the reality of things. I am basically talking to myself with this thing.

The responsibility of this blog, and I think all responsibilities in my life are double edged. I want them, but I don't want to feel obligated to them. Deep down if I am simply honest with myself, I feel that way about pretty much everything in my life. I just use things when I want them and when I don't I kinda want to forget about them. I truly wish I had a different way of being, but if that never changes I am working on accepting that fact about myself.

To get back to the previous thread, (if I am paying attention) all the freedom I enjoy as a truck driver is basically going to be there when I trade from home, but I am under no illusion that I will be able to do whatever I want whenever I want.

I think I spoke about this in an earlier post, but I think a lot of people want to get into trading because they think they can have all this free time and do whatever they want as a trader. Well, in my experience that's not so much the case. Yes, there are robots that you can set and forget I imagine, but if you are doing everything yourself you have got to be there when the market needs you. There are lots of times that you shouldn't be trading at all, and when the market lines up for an opportunity you have to be present and ready to seize the moment. That might be 2 a.m. And you have to find the discipline to get up and do what must be done. I think I have that, I'm just battling the things in my past and the ways in which I didn't have that. I am glad to say that trading was never something I felt reluctance to do like it was a bummer job. Yes, I woke up early as hell sometimes and some days I really didn't want to engage the markets when I knew I should, but it was never like dreading a 42 mile drive at 5 a.m. just to avoid traffic, to a job I despised.

I know one thing for sure. I think I would personally rather be a trader where every decision of my business is managed in the way I see fit, than be a part of someone else's business where I see so many problems I have no authority or influence to correct.

I keep feeling like there is so much more I want to say, but that I am speaking into an abyss and wasting my time. There is no fun in a monologue that is structured to be a dialogue.

Anyways, I'm going to go play video games now... or actually probably sleep if I know what's good for me. If you are reading this and enjoying it, I am thankful. Don't be afraid to leave an anonymous comment below.

-Francisco