Closer look at Cliche's: Depression is a choice

This is gonna be a rather quick, poorly written one, but I had a thought while mowing the lawn today after reading a post by Andy Richter (Conan's couch buddy) on twitter. 

The post said: 

“Depression is a choice” = “your pain is your fault”
“You can overcome this if you just try hard enough” = “Your pain is making me uncomfortable. Please shut up.”

My thoughts on that were immediately: "Is your anger a choice?"

I've struggled with real depression throughout my life, to the point several times where it was suggested that I get medical help, and of course more frequently, professional help. I experienced situational depression like everyone else, but mainly the non-situational depress, where there's simply a black cloud over you and nothing really changes that. 

All feelings are ultimately chemical. I am not for a moment denying that people simply become awash with depression, in fact I advocate that myself. We don't get 100% control over our brains natural tendencies to regulate hormone levels, but we can develop a tremendous amount of control through the power of our thoughts. 

Just as some people are born with physical and mental deficiencies they did not choose, some are born with chemical deficiencies or have traumatic events that cause them. While there is ongoing research in that field and some medicines are available to assist, I cannot speak of the effectiveness of those things as I have never used them. If you use them and they help you, then I think that is great, however my conviction is that negative thought patterns can overthrow any positive state of mind. The mind is incredibly powerful in it's ability to overcome states, positive or negative. They can change on a dime, so if your medicine isn't helping, it can very well be the habits your mind is driven by. Sure, no one wants so feel depressed, just like no one want's to feel angry and no one wants to be poor, and yet our choices bring repeating patterns of all these things into our lives. No one wants to feel angry, but they choose to hang onto thoughts and perspectives that keep them angry. No one wants to be poor, and yet they consistently make decisions that keep them poor. 

As usual, there's a nuance and the ability to think critically  required in all of this. When states wash over us, it can be highly beneficial to pay attention to them, because theres always the chance that upon further inspection we'll realize that there was a specific moment or event that things changed. Most people aren't aware of this, but the bacteria in your gut is highly linked to your emotional state. Eat shit food that hurts your gut environment and you are basically choosing to fuck with your emotions. What else can be a catalyst? Any values we hold that come under fire. And guess what? Most, if not each value, can be chosen consciously. 

It is always a mix of what happens to us, and how we respond to it that matters. 

First of all, it is okay to feel depressed. All feelings that are possible to be felt, are okay to feel, the conundrum is that pain hurts, so it naturally feels like it's not okay to feel pain. Resisting whatever pain we are feeling, never makes it go away, but instead amplifies it because we are focusing on it acutely and it becomes more encompassing the narrower our focus. Whether it's homicidal rage, suicidal guilt, passionate love or insane jealousy, it is there to be felt and will be a natural occurrence given the right stimulus. Balance is the key though. Just like pain in the body is a trigger signaling the need to pay attention and assess the trigger, so is emotional pain. 

Beneficial and healthy thinking is a habit that can be developed, and I have long held (with much supporting evidence) the conviction that I can develop beneficial thinking. 

So let's go back to the post: "Depression is a choice" = "Your depression is your fault" lets look at these statements from other angles.

If Andy is saying that your depression is not your fault, he is also saying that your anger is not your fault, which is total bullshit. I don't care if someone shoots my wife and kills her, my anger is ultimately my decision, because I made the choice to attach my energy. It is my responsibility to focus on what ever I choose to focus on.The real problem is that many people are unaware that they can shift their emotional states. Instead, they become fully submerged in what they are feeling. The thing about feelings, is that they are so fucking powerful, inexperienced people can become hypnotized by them, thinking that the feeling coursing through them is the infallible truth. The reality of it, is that it is and only ever is, one perspective of which there are multitudes of. But emotion blinds us from perspective, be it love, fear, happiness, indecision... you name it.

"You can overcome this if you try hard enough" = "Your pain is making me uncomfortable, please shut up"

Those are unrelated in my opinion. First of all, you can't escape any feelings at all, as a human with an ego (an identity/emotional attachments to things and concepts).

No one every really overcomes any emotional state permanently, they either magnify it, minimize it, or delay it. 

On the other hand, trying "hard enough", whatever that really means, has some actual validity here. Building habits takes effort, and if you put enough effort in you can develop the skill to handle these states better. 

Anyhow, it's thanksgiving as I am finishing up. I have more work to do and I've basically gotten it out of my system at this point. Cheers!

DEAR LOTTI

 Hey you, if you are reading this, I just wanted to say it was a pleasure speaking to you. I care and I really hope everything we talked about is taken to heart and pondered thoughtfully. Where ever you are out there, I'll be thinking about you and praying for you and sending you my love. Love yourself as well, enough to really treat yourself to the best decisions for you and your Children. 

Here are links to read the things I've written that may give you some perspectives on things.



i <= H
One way to get something for nothing
Closer Look at Clichés: Live in the Present
DO WHAT MATTERS
Greatest start to the new year
Giving Thanks
Closer Look at Clichés: Judging a book by it's cover
About Failure
Thoughts on Balance
Rules Versus Principles

Thoughts on Balance

thoughts.

one human mind does not have the capacity to see from all perspectives of all situations, and so I think that is why it is important for people who desire to think critically, engage themselves in the opinions and perspectives of others. I think there is a decreasing amount of effectiveness as you gain more experience in life though. I think you may gain the ability to develop those perspectives on your own naturally through the growth and implementation of certain foundational views.

I've heard throughout my life phrases similar to "you must enjoy every second of your life as best you can, because life is short and you never know what tomorrow brings." At this very moment I find myself unsure of how much I agree or disagree with that. I have lived a life so far like many people; full of both amazing and horrible things, And in this moment all I can say is that neither one of those extremes has me feeling that if my life ended tomorrow it would have made any difference.

I'm not speaking circumstantially, as obviously each event in my life has led me to where I am and was obviously necessary. what I'm instead speaking about is the fact that when we are in pleasure, it eventually fades away, as does the pain. for me the pain or pleasure is completely gone until I for some reason think about it. And the memory of it is never nearly equal to what the actual experience was. has any of it made a giant difference? would a part of me feel incomplete for having not done any of these things? I think; not if I don't think about them. 

And that's the tricky thing about human nature, when we focus on what we don't have and want so desperately it can fill us with an agonizing pain about not having it.

when I got arrested a year and a half ago and thrown in jail for a bullshit "Crime", I wanted my freedom so bad... I swore I would never go back to a place like that. but as of today, as of this moment I have to put a real effort into it to bring myself even remotely close to that level of pain that I felt. I remember it vividly, and the lesson is still there, but the intensity is so far removed I just have to trust the intensity that instilled the lesson to begin with.  I find the same thing goes with a lot of happy moments in my life as well. and on that note I also noticed that a lot of happy moments, when thought of make me feel pretty shitty that those aren't happening right now. so what I'm getting at is that I think general human nature is to just be displeased and constantly compare and desire more than what we have. maybe not all the time, but most of the time. I've come to the strong conviction that being consumed by the present moment is the only way we really feel contentment.

obviously if my life ends tomorrow, there won't be a me to regret having done or not done anything, so that age old cliché is inherently speaking about someone who is alive. life is a paradox. In one instance we can be doing something awesome, yet feel negative during that because we are focusing on something we want and don't have. and in another instance we can be doing something we dread, but feel grateful at the same time because we're focused on how the situation could be much worse. I really have come to feel that there is no such thing as balance, but an infinite fractal of shifting forces. balance is merely a momentary snapshot in a specific point along the struggle of forces of this dynamic universe. balance with one area inherently means imbalance in others. Perhaps for every balanced thing we perceive, the force is simply going to a fulcrum which may be beyond our perception.

perhaps harmony is merely a temporary adaptation which forces those stresses onto other systems. in our human psyche, adaptation is in learning lessons through pain and pleasure. and as that balance lasts longer and longer the lessons fade and therefore we tend to automatically shift back into imbalance. Anything that is not constantly reinforcing the lesson is allowing it to recede.

I had in mind a graphic, but I am too lazy at the moment to draw it up. Imagine your typical see-saw, with the triangular fulcrum in the middle, all pointy and exact. A level see-saw indicates balance of forces on lateral sides, but all the pressure is on that tiny fulcrum. That tiny point represents a narrow range of things that bring you happiness and stability. It does not provide much room for shifting forces, but if you increase the things that you can count on for contentment, the fulcrum widens and is supports balance much easier. Instead of a triangle it starts to flatten out like a supportive square. 

On the outside, all my interests seem like they would be a wide plateau for balance to exist. Take away a few of them and I should be fine.. and in all honesty, those things have little to do with my happiness.. The issue with me, is that those things are mostly illusory in their effect of balance. What balances me are things like connection and interaction with loved ones. Discovery of people... But most of all, a sense of security in the future. A sense of freedom. If any of those things are taken away, my balance crumbles.

I guess the inspiration for this introspection in itself is because I have fallen out of harmony for the time being. I can certainly say I'm not happy with my perceptions and I don't really find solace right now in the wonderful things I have experienced in life.

I feel like maybe I can only slightly smile as the box for those things has been checked off. but once again only when I think about them.

Are there 9 of you? Or are there even less looking twice?

Well well...

we made it to the end of the year. I am sure each one of us has learned at least one thing about life and ourselves this year.

You know, I am not one to really give a shit about most holidays, especially not my birthday because those are just illusions and gimmicks anymore that ring people into spending money and feeling guilt and lack.

And although it's all just one grand illusion, I think it's important for us to have the end of something and the beginning of something else. Seasons change and bring about times and feelings we may have forgotten. Memories. Just like drinking or doing a psychedelic drug and remind you (or show you for the first time) that what you thought was reality, is and only ever was or will be a tiny slice of the big picture.

I've learned things about myself this year. Like a child growing into an adult in some ways, I look back and say to myself "How could I not see that". I say that in respect to trading and in respect to the developments that have become aware to my consciousness as a human.

Throughout this last year I have become aware of more bullshit inside me than I have in a long time. And at the same time, none of it changes what I have known all along about the world itself.

I've taken the extra effort and time to practice seeing other people and myself as more than the visual image my brain sees. To see the skeleton below... all the muscles moving, the programs and code firing away to produce what seems to be a person. I've felt for a long time now that when I am talking to someone all I am doing is witnessing mechanisms at play. Like the roll of a dice they simple fall as they do and I am witnessing the outcome. I feel like I am no different, and it doesn't burden me at all. I don't feel special, but I do feel a little different and I suspect that is only because each individual entity can not help but witness individually because it is not yet capable of sharing a consciousness.

I look at the market some days and go "This looks so easy". I look at it other days and feel a deep anxiety about how on earth I could possibly keep this up successfully and when in the first place I will actually if ever feel "Successful" at it.

I mean, how much? How much time, money or action will it take before I say to myself "I can do this and I know it".

So far I have only seen "Results" but nothing that feels like a pattern I can place absolute faith in. And then that immediately reminds me that there isn't a single thing in existence I can place absolute faith in, why should trading be any different?

Learning to be at peace in the unknown and the discomfort has been my lifes work.

Not so dedicated all the time, as I like to forget quite often what it is that I know that motivates me to be so uncomfortable.

There are a few base things I see about myself.

#1. I am a sexual being. I am in love with sex, with women and the image feel sound and taste of them. The way they move... I often notice that I literally imagine them as objects of my will, simply because so many of them disappoint me in real life. I spend ample time wandering in my imagination of them as if they were any other thing I enjoy in life. I imagine to most, especially to a woman, I sound like a total dick... and I suppose that is okay with me and I find that completely understandable. At face value it seems like I am discrediting them. But, I am not. What is really going on is that I am simply being honest about the way I practice the freedom of my own imagination. Freedom is so important, and the beauty of it is, I think I do a pretty good job of not letting my imaginations of things like that pour over into my real life interactions with people. I honestly think I am way more genuine and honest with people than most, but it's because I can separate imagination from everyday real life.

I suppose I have just painted a picture that I spend vast amounts of my time drooling over daydreamed scenarios of women in my head, but that is far from what actually goes on.

My attention, as I assume is similar to most peoples, is rather short sighted and easily caught on the next thought.

I think what it really comes down to, is that I am a pretty fucking passionate person. Whatever it is I am feeling, I allow myself to dive down deep into it. When I am envisioning something happening, whether it is a woman, a car, a lifestyle or event... in my head it might as well be real.

I have long realized that I seem to be contrary to a lot of people in terms of remembering a childhood. I seriously have very few memories of my youth. It's almost as if my life started happening when I was 15 or so. It's always made me notice that I can't recall my childhood when others remember and tell of theirs. It makes me wonder, am I blocking out terrible shit?

But then again, I can be in control of an 80,000 lb truck and suddenly realize I couldn't tell you how the hell I've even stayed on the road for the last 15 minutes. I get so caught up in imagination that I am on autopilot. It amazes me. So it makes me wonder if I have just had such a gravitational imagination all my life to the point I never actively paid much attention to my childhood or not...

#2. I want what I want and if it's not worth it for me to compromise I tend not to do it. That leads me to be rather impulsive about things. People in my life have played the largest factor in this regard. I used to have an enormous amount of patience with people as a child, but I am now coming to suppose that it was because I had no concrete value system in place because I had not yet learned to think critically yet.

I was often the tool of others, giving in to their will because I was too busy feeling confused about what was going on and had no instincts to pause and question many things. Now, I am much better at that.


#3. I am certain that I am uncertain.

I don't mean that to sound stupid and comical at all. I guess what I am noticing about myself is that the more time goes on, the less energy I find myself having to invest in anything... or most things. I certainly don't feel like joining the debate about right or wrong, true or untrue much anymore because I've spent years realizing I simply don't know. And in my observation it has become what I think is the single most honest thing any person who is truly paying attention can say to themselves and therefor to anyone else.

I've spent years now, feeling this way, yet also seeing that context is indeed the basis for all so called fact. So to me in the grand scheme of things I see no facts, but in any single minuscule focused context, truth is pretty easy to derive a fact from. The issue I have, is that this grander part of me often overrides the tinier "contextual allowance of fact" part of me.

If I knew people understood where I was coming from, I might have more energy to engage in conversations about things, but I've met less than a handful of people that would get it enough to make it worth it.

so in that regard I am easily viewable as a person who is wasting his life not doing anything about the problems in his world. And yet the people who see what I see ultimately arrive at the conclusion that if all things are relative, problems and solutions are moot, even if they so acutely bother the person who suspects so.

I've come to establish a coined phrase in my head this year... that "Depression is simply seeing what is true". and by true I don't mean absolutely, verifiably true, just a word to mean something like any other word. Life is all about perspective it seems. That is why one man's trash is another man's treasure. It is not the thing itself, but our perception of the thing.

So...

What if I died tonight? And I don't ask this to induce emotion, but, would it matter?

What does it mean that something matters? Does it mean that another thing perceiving it is affected? The meaning of life is that universal question. I've come to, at least for now, stand on the notion that all is all. That sounds fucking stupid doesn't it?

"Goddammit guy, just get over yourself already and shut the fuck up!" right? haha.

What I mean, is that if you are a thing. and you can see other things that arises the question of separateness doesn't it? Consciousness is a real bitch because the thing is the only thing feeling what the thing feels, and yet we see other things that are simply extrapolations of the same stuff that all the other things are derived from. If you can't see the edge of the universe, how can you live your life supposing that there is an edge? And yet so many do it. And I don't find fault in that, because if we all sat around trying to find the edge there would be no time to hunt food and thus we would cease to exist. And yet we do exist and now have more time than we've ever had (if we really wanted to use it) to think about that edge that none of us have seen yet.

To break it down somewhat, I guess I am for the moment simply a thing that hasn't seen the edge, realizes it hasn't seen the edge and yet has an overpowering notion that nothing is absolutely what it is without finding that fixed point. And at the same time supposes that fixed point will never be found while he is alive and concludes that immediate context is necessary to a enacting and sustaining what would be necessary to survive.

All the while, observing thing after thing assume that context is the whole and absolute, finding little interest in conversing with what seems to be a crazy person.

And yet here I am, posting on an Internet to them... Just more of the same undefinable, yet defined jargon we ingest to keep progressing through nothingness.

All the while holding both an understanding of why I keep doing it, and not knowing why the hell I keep doing it. It all just is what it is and I haven't yet found a clearer more genuine way to feel about it.

Happy new year to all of you. I wish you as much trial as it takes to feel accomplished. I wish you as much disease as it takes to feel grateful for your health when it returns. I wish you as much confusion as it takes to give up, yet keep going. I wish you the love and physical affection as your body desires from whom you desire it from.

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As for the new year, I think my only real goal right now is to be ready when it is time for whatever it is time for. I am a little scared, a little anxious, a little excited and a quite a bit curious as to how and what will all pan out.

-Francisco D'anconia

I feel like this might be too good to be true..

You know, shit just feels too good to be true. New Account highs from last nights resetting the box. Look at this beautiful shit.

The first two arrows are from the previous day when I tried setting up the robot. For some reason the first trade opened up in the middle of the box instead of the outside and took a 15 pip loss, while the second trade opened up and made 20 pips profit. At that point I moved the trading zone for the new trading day. If you look at the daily chart you can see that resistance was hit and price is likely to return downward now for awhile, so I just now reset the trading zone, so we'll see what happens.

Some of the thoughts that have been entering my mind are that although I love trading Forex and am in love with the idea of trading Futures, I have recently been reintroduced to a guy named Timothy Sykes. The first video of his I came across lately was this one:

I first saw Tim way back in the day on an internet show called WallStrip and then on a documentary called Wall Street Warriors where he was running a hedge fund. The Documentary followed him during a kinda shitty portion of his performance and made him look kinda dumb or immature, but I really liked him anyway. Tim Sykes is famous for turning around $12,000 into over a million dollars in 2 years, but he has now gained over 4 million dollars in profit and it is all verifiable. He has every trade documented supposedly on the internet, which is pretty cool. The problem is, I have always really dislikes Stocks for some reason so I've never really paid attention to what he does as a result of that.

The point is, I feel like this guy is totally legit and I have really been watching his videos on YouTube such as this

This shit is highly motivating and it is causing me to ask myself "Do you hate the idea of trading stocks more than you would love making a shitload of money by trading them? Are you willing to do the work and reap the rewards?" Well... I am considering it quite a bit as I am watching his videos.

I know the title of this post is "I feel like this might be too good to be true", but I am only talking about my trading results so far with my robot. I truly feel like Tim is a great guy and that he has a winning strategy. I don't feel like he is full of shit like pretty much every one else out there selling the dream. Listen to him. Listen to the tone of his voice and every word he says... He is on my side and your side.

The way I figure is, I should at least try this. One of his students as the video above mentions, has turned $1,500 into over a million dollars in 3 years. He has 4 millionaire students as of now and several of his students are making 5 and 6 figures per year. I am not new to trading and I have always felt comfortable trading the kind of price action that he trades so I think I could do well. Perhaps far better than I would do trading Forex with my robot or commodities. So... those are some of the thoughts I am mulling over.

Late night

As I lay in bed just now thinking about my life and where I've been, I felt my body pulling away from me. Like I was shrinking inside of it. A feeling I haven't felt in such a long time and it reminded me that I need to detach more often than I have been. It brought to light a sensation in the back of my mind for awhile now; that I don't like who I've become. A surprise somehow at how it happened.

I don't even know why that is. My whole life has been about knowing why, and yet here I am feeling out of place about pretty much everything I am and have been for awhile now. Not understanding it, and feeling unable to find the answer even though I rest on a deeper thing that I doubt will ever move.

Maybe it's because I feel so alone. I miss the closeness of my past with people. I am happy for them and sad for me. I used to be so care free, and now I'm just a result it seems, of people that I care about leaving my life to varying degrees.

I've always wanted more than people could give and I guess that's nobody's fault. I've always wanted what I gave out to be given back to me.

Whatever it is, I've noticed that being out here alone is destroying the person I fought so hard to become, or more accurately, to undo.

I am out of balance with my need of a flourishing companion filled life, when that's really all I've ever felt good about as a person. Connection. And now it seems like I'm constantly seeing others have what I don't when it comes to that.

Time is all I have, and it feels so wasted the way it is spent. This last leg of my journey to be home and follow my heart is so draining and so difficult. And when it's over, that's when another stage of challenge will begin. But I have to try, because some things you just have to know the answers to.

And I know I will miss this too... because I am insatiable. It's the curse I was born with.