November 16th About Failure

I've been in a slump for awhile now. And being in a slump is like being in bed and being too damn tired to get out... But, once you for whatever reason (Who knows, maybe someone special is coming over) muster the will, that action changes your energy and you are out of bed and almost always glad you found the will to do it.

I came to this blog, and to the end of trucking with an idea in mind, that I would be some kind of day trader with a successful plan that was proven through back testing. Also, that I would be ferociously bodybuilding  every day and tracking my macros and shit... Well, one thing led to another and I just fell way way off the wagon.

Backtesting was a real bitch, but I managed to do that, and my results showed me that the profit of 2618 trading wasn't worth the time, but also, my forward testing kept having me miss trades because even on a 1HR chart, the best setups happened too fast and I was left out.

The gym was very difficult, but the eating right, preparing the food and then inputting it into a spreadsheet... that was horrendous. I was sleeping 10 hours a day, and still tired and unmotivated when I got to the computer to backtest.

What I've lacked this entire time was structure. And dammit... I want to make a go at simplifying my routine so I give myself a better chance of accomplishing something. What I have realized lately, is that I only do things diligently when I am truly passionate about them. The problem, or at least the case with me, is that my passions vary wildly and sporadically. The reality, is that I've never actually felt passionate about going to the gym, or eating or tracking it... It's always felt like a chore. But the reality is, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. That's what I have taped to my door and I see it every time I leave the house. But guess what... Tough, is difficult. Tough is doing shit when you don't have the passion for it, not when it's easy. On a side note, don't live by something that sounds good, live by it because it makes sense.

These are the affirmations that I have taped to the mirror in the bathroom... I used to say them every day and have them memorized. I don't think it did any good other than reasserting what my desires were every day, and somehow, guilting me into staying in line a bit more than I would have otherwise. But look at the bottom of that. "My circumstances do not alter my accountability". I've always tried to practice really thinking about things that come into my mind, especially if it's a cliché. And while that's not a cliché, because I idolized the person those words came from I allowed them to pass right by my critical thinking filter. "My circumstances do not alter my accountability." That sounds so noble and romantic doesn't it? But guess what, it's not reality. Just like instant love between two strangers in a Disney movie, there's more to it than that. I'd now venture to say that all accountability is at least in some way, but probably always circumstantial. I used to also have another saying under my other one on the door that said "The tougher the going, the faster the growing". Well, ideally yes, but realistically not so. Some times the going gets so tough, that the growing stops. I recently hurt my back at the gym. I bulged a disk a few days before Halloween and have been recovering ever since. I take responsibility for the injury. It was a combination of a little too much weight and a lot of bad form. The point is, that now the going has gotten even tougher and the only growing happening is my knowledge that going tougher, can be counter productive. And no, I wasn't so blind and dumb to think that I could just super-man it. I was adding what seemed to be a small amount of extra weight than I had just pretty easily lifted. You can't expect a guy with an injured back to go to the gym and stress that injury because of some goal, that's even more counter productive than the initial injury.

Don't get me wrong, I like the no excuses part of it all. If I'm lazy, which I have been, I will straight up say it. I haven't done what needs to be done to get the results that I wanted. Count me among the masses. At least I accept it all on my own. No one to blame but me. Resistance holds all of us back from our potential in different ways, and it is pushing through that resistance that separates people. I want to push through. I want to look back and say "I did it". I realized something today.

Most, if not all of the great accomplishments in my life, have been at the hands of a passionate me. I thought I was passionate about trading, but I think what may be more accurate about me and my life, is that I'm passionate about making the best decisions and actions, and also learning from the lessons I'm given through some of the worst decisions and actions. I imagined I could translate that into trading I guess, which, I can... but, it's not the smartest choice in my mind right now.

So what have I come to at this moment? That robotic trading is the best course of action for me. It frees up time, it makes money, it's there when I can't be. I still want to manually trade news releases, as I seem to do well when I follow my rules and I don't necessarily have a robot that will do that for me the way I like. I still want to practice stock trading, as I may find out there's something to that as well. Maybe, just maybe, what is building in me, is a small passion to follow through with body building in spite of my lack of passion for it.

So today. as soon as I post this blog, I am going to get shit straight and start over. I am not saying I will be successful, I don't want to be a hopeful bullshitter. I am saying, that I haven't accepted failure, because I'm not finished.