How I'm feeling

I think we all fall into the groove of fooling ourselves that we aren't what we really are at times. Perhaps the majority of the time.

My life has been about looking as directly at what I really am as much as I can, and even then as years have passed I find myself realizing how poor of a job I've done in spite of so much effort. Sure, I feel like I know myself way better than most people do, but on second thought I feel I can only qualify that in a very limited area.

I am not as honest with myself or with others as I initially was when I was younger. Time has piled on actions and results that I would love to remove and forget, but such an introspective one as myself doesn't accomplish that so easily. I've expended a lot of energy in the last years and more in the past 6 months than I think I have consciously in my life. I've long said that "Distraction is the only cure for awareness", and I've been engaging in a cycle of deep distraction followed by acute awareness lately. It hurts, and it's difficult to deal with.

I find lately, noticing immediate judgment in my own internal thoughts, which usually causes me to rephrase my self dialogue because I am that stupid about it. I notice a lot of external judging and immediately call myself out on my own bullshit. And since we live an an entirely relative realm of existence and perception, it's all bullshit in the end. But that doesn't stop it from having such an impact when it's believed and held in value.

I've already lost the initial reason I came to write any of this in the first place. The honest moment has me wanting to punch through the cab of my truck and turn off the reefer trailer that is running right now to power my truck... it's so odd, because it is running all night while I play games and surf the net (code for porn) and I almost exclusively get aggravated when it fails to shut off after I try to go to sleep. But for some reason, it is currently beating in my brain as if it's all I can focus on and I hate it.

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I am a person who cycles greatly, of great extremes, and that is the core reason that sparked me coming here. I was browsing the new porn galleries on a forum I regularly look at and it just finally came to a head in my consciousness that I am totally tired of looking. Tired of seeing. Firstly, tired of looking at shapes, textures and curves of women, but it evolved into quickly realizing that I am tired of being couped up in this truck, away from practically everything I call life. My bike, a stable home, people I care about, the weather...

hell, FAMILIARITY.

the thought came across my mind today as I was listening to the joe rogan podcast, that I was an example of something they were discussing. Joe or his guest, I'm not sure which one, said something that sparked my attention. "I wonder if all highly talented people come from that background", to which he was referring to a background of having moved a lot as a child. An adaptive mechanism that drew something out of them, somehow. I hadn't moved a ton as a child, only once, but I realized that what seemed to really matter to me was that beyond childhood I became someone who watched important people and things come and go from my life. Extremely important things.

I think that has contributed to what I am in the sense of someone who has become lately one who has difficulty investing in people and ideas. A way of life that has led me to be a deflector of social things. Yet, at my core I have always been a very social, trusting and inviting, investing creature. I think what I am witnessing within myself is a very recent change due to the events of the past year or so of my life...

For one, I've never felt like such a horrible person in my life. I've hurt people I cared about in ways I never would have thought I would, and I think I am still dealing with that and trying to recover while being as close to loving and investing as I can be. I've watched and met tons of people in my life that were the outcome of what I seem to be becoming and I have always tried to imagine that one outcome of a situation doesn't mean anything concrete, yet I am watching myself degrade into a person that internally believes that.

It's a battle for sure, and although for my entire life I was gathering information about who I was, and I felt I knew very well who I was... events I never forsaw in my life have literally changed who I am, and the learning process is anew. I am a changed person, and I am not really happy with who I am.

So, that is the social part of this, and I can also say that I am scared to fail when I get off the road.

I smoked marijuana once about 7-8 years ago and it was the single most impactful moment of my life. I want so desperately to go back to that moment, because contrary to everything you are experiencing in this moment, that moment deconstructed whatever idea that ever existed of good or bad, right or wrong.. Not as an overarching excuse to do wrong, but literally the obliteration of all relativity that allowed right or wrong to exist.

it was amazing. I knew. I understood, that all the things i cared about or were afraid of were dust. Illusion. And unless you have been there, it seems laughable to hear it or read it maybe, but goddamn if I could go back...

I don't know what I want to say right now, I just know that I am scared. Scared that I will fail. scared that I will not find in myself that pure thing that winners have that just makes them win at all costs. Scared that the things I love and have loved will cease to be. Scared that I will be doomed to be unfree, as I struggle to provide a life for myself that contains meaning, happiness, love and loving accomplishment. In other words, I am scared to be a slave to the bonds of mundane... well, what I would personally call dreadful "Work".

I don't want to lead a life of quiet desperation. I love so many things, and to exist in a world where I cannot persue those things and get by in life in the practice of them makes this all feel like a nightmare.

I remember when I was younger, and had to get up hours before sunrise... already chained at the neck by the bidding of my employer.. and I'd get home well after dark... with barely the energy to enjoy myself.. falling asleep exhausted and afraid of the next brutal day.. I would rather fucking be dead than live a life of that shit. seriously.

My only hope is to somehow turn that fear and hopelessness into power and motivation to make sure at all costs that does not happen again. To get home, get serious, and make this fucking plan work out.

All the people showing confidence in me so far, has only shined a light on the tiny whisper in my mind that tells me "They love you, of course they will only tell you positive things". My fear is that I will find out I am just another loser that doesn't have what it will take, and yet I struggle to rid myself of that worry, and replace it with an iron will that says I WILL NEVER GIVE UP.

That is the only way it will work I think. I think... I have no words left tonight on this matter. It has been a long and hard day and I am going to play rage now.

The New Addition

After an aggravating week of searching for the next bike on the internet and having to weed through scams and total idiots, I was very pleased to acquire "Juice Box". :)

Kinda strange and dorky name I know, but she's got a fuel booster under the seat with the brand name "Juice Box" so it seemed fitting as Fro-J is a box of orange juice haha.

The interesting thing about this whole thing, is that the day before I got her, I test drove another of the same exact model and absolutely hated it. I was so disappointed because my first bike was a 2005 GSXR and this was a 2006. I was appalled that so much had changed in just a year of production. When I got on that bike, the rear brake was waaay out of place, the engine had no power, the transmission felt very inexpensive as if I was hammering a peg into a hole... and worst of all, the front brake rotors were warped so bad I was afraid to push the bike because they wobbled so much. I literally rode the bike a mile and the rotors were so hot I could not touch them. There was something wrong. I told the guy about the problem and he said he didn't know what I was talking about and that he hadn't been on the bike since June of last year. I believed him honestly though. He really seemed to lack knowledge about bikes.

I had an appointment to go see Juice box and I was sure it was going to be a total waste of time, but to my surprise it was like I was right back on my 05, just with sexier looks. The sound of the exhaust on this thing is very close to my old one and I love it. The rear brake was very comfortably positioned, the front brakes were totally perfect and powerful, the transmission shifts like butter and the power is there. I am totally happy with it.

She just so happens to be a recovered stolen bike with only 9,000 miles on her, compared to the 18,000 of the one I had driven the day before. Brand new fairings in great condition, but I do want to paint the entire bike eventually. I'll see if I can photoshop a color scheme in my mind to share it.

This time, I have the bike insured for theft. I was amazed to hear it's only an extra $100 per year so thats awesome. I also have a sweet alarm system on the way that alerts me if anyone gets near the bike, tilts it, touches it and if they start it up without the remote, it kills the engine :) On top of that, a $100 super touch chain will be securing it to steel beam of my covered parking spot when I am home or when I go anywhere. There is no reason whatsoever this bike should get stolen, and even if she does she is covered to be replaced.

I still miss Fro-J severely and am super pissed that I let her get stolen and that someone would be such a dick to steal her... but the world is an equal opportunity predator, and as an old friend taught me long ago "Some lessons are taught, others are bought".

I still plan to begin my new year/life in July, and I still don't have much to report as I have in the past as I am not using the robot at the moment or trading in any way. I am still absorbing the "How to make millions" DVD and Tim's youtube videos. Feeling pretty good about it as more time goes on. I feel like it is becoming more and more obvious that what it really comes down to, is being a very patient sniper and waiting until the exact right moment to strike. For me that has been trading the news in the forex markets, and I am learning that in stocks, it is buying earnings winners and contract winners, and shorting pumps that are breaking major support after having risen exponentially.

Nothing else to report as of now, besides the fact that I am watching a Porsche Documentary :) Be well.
-Francisco

Someone stole my fucking bike..

...I woke up, went out to the store for breakfast stuff... came back and didn't even notice she was gone until I walked out on the porch...

I bought Fro-J a year and a half ago. it had been 7 years since I had owned my first bike, which was stolen as well. I put 36,000 miles on my 2005 GSX-R the year I got it. I went down to the FL keys to do some work on a naval base and rode back up to Miami to stay with my brother 1 night on my way back home. I parked the bike on his front porch literally in front of his door. Some assholes came in the middle of the night, unscrewed the light bulb and dragged it through the grass and took off with it probably in a truck.

Woke up the following morning and it was my brothers birthday. "Where's your bike?" he said. I thought he was joking but he wasn't. I was surprisingly able to let it go. Mainly because I had just filed bankruptcy and the only reason I still had the bike was because I could keep it as long as I was making payments. With it stolen I was no longer under the financial responsibility. I loved that bike, but there was little pain. Only really some anger at the assholes who had stolen it.

Today there has been some real pain, because I loved that bike. She was for a large part of our time together the only dependable thing in my life. Not only that, the one I turned to for peace that you can only get on two wheels. If you don't ride you won't understand. It might even sound stupid.

I didn't shed on tear over my GSX-R, but I have cried a few times today because I lost what was honestly a family member. Although I am looking for another bike, I seriously don't think there will be another Fro-J. By the way, Fro-J got her name because she is metallic orange, and I ride her all year, even when it is snowing. The other part of her name comes from the fact that I have always had some affinity for the Frozen concentrated orange juice futures market, and, when I go get breakfast from burger king, or any other place that sells those minute maid orange juices in the square cardboard container, I always ask them to get one from the freezer because they are still semi frozen. And that makes for frozen Juice :) or Fro-J.

I really don't know what else to say except I am still trying to process all of this. I will surely take every measure I can next time. be well, I don't know when I will post again.

-Francisco