Signs and Wonders

I'm not a person that believes in signs really, I just like the entertainment I get from coincidences. This recently happened; My wife and I were going through finances to determine what I owed her in reimbursement for my bills. There had been some computational errors in her numbers and since I kept track of things a little better we just decided to use my numbers and throw in what she had that I was missing...

Low and behold, as she typed in the final cell of the spreadsheet the total I owed her was $777.07. We both burst out laughing, knowing all too well that it was just perfect. That amount takes into account the refund I got from the Robots from Scott as well... to me it's perfectly hilarious.

So, with that out of the way, another strikingly amazing thing has lined up to happen in my life that makes me feel like my life is truly heading in the healthiest direction for me.

I found out last night that my ex wants me to relinquish my rights because her significant other wants to adopt a child we had 7 years ago. I know I haven't ever mentioned this child, so it may be a surprise, but I decided long ago it would be better for him that I not be in his life at all rather than once every year or so... He needed a real consistent father figure. On top of that, his mother and I just don't get along. It is still up to her to keep her word, and she's not a very trustworthy person... Until it's done, to me it's just talk, but we'll see how it turns out.

So many interesting events taking place... Now I just need a job.

Deep Cycles

I've now been out of my cast for about 34 days.

In that period of time I've gotten almost all my range of motion back. I've been walking, climbing stairs, carrying heavy shit.

The last few days I've been carrying a heavier and heavier burden emotionally. I've got no job, no real money in any portfolio, no supportive wife to carry my financial burden and bills to pay... I'm not whining, or complaining, just feeling the weight of what is to come.

I can get my old job back today if I wanted to, but I've learned in this 10 month span that I really don't want to go back to that by any means. I could be waiting forever on a local driving job phone call from them... I still want to wash trucks. I need to bring money in so that I don't feel like a loser.

The family I am living with would roll their eyes at the idea of me feeling like a loser after how dramatically I've changed things around here for the positive, but for me, I need the independence of money. I need what that brings in order to feel free, because without a genuine sense of freedom... I'm just not me.

I know I'm not a loser, I just feel like one. I feel poor having $15,000 left in my bank account when others would feel rich. Why do I feel poor then? Because it is being sucked out of the account if I am not contributing to it, and to me, the logical inevitability is that the balance will go to zero as long as this situation persists.

It is imperative that I become employed. It is fucking with me that I am not. I am afraid of it, but my fear of failure without a job must become greater than the fear of having one. It's really that simple.

I know that as soon as I have one I'll feel better about my situation. Then, as live is and always does, a new problem will walk into my consciousness to worry about. Perhaps it will be financial, perhaps health related... who knows, but guaranteed something will fill the void.

I haven't been sleeping well since I got here... and lately I've been waking up with heel pain in the night, which strangely goes away as soon as I begin to walk.

I've painted my room. I've cleaned the shit out of every room in this house. I painted the bathroom, I've mowed and weeded the yard... I've piled heavy ass rocks. I've washed and detailed the cars. I've buffed the calcium off the windows. I've washed the couch cushion covers. I've organized the crawl space and cut out bad carpet. I've hung shelves in the laundry room... I've reattached flashing on the roof. I felt at peace while doing all of it, but now at rest, I feel only anxiety and worry and dark direction-less silence.

Sometimes I wonder how I will manage a life filled with enough action to keep that at bay until I die. I mean, we are all on the same path to nowhere aren't we? At least it's nowhere until we find out otherwise. It is the passion we have in our journey that seems to make it worth it.

Sometimes, we just need some sleep.

Transitions

I'm pretty tired so this post is not going to get the attention I'd like to give it.

I've since moved out and am living with friends and family. Things have been very busy, but therapeutic. The trading thing has been on hold until I get the portfolios ready and figure out my finances clearly. Not sure if I mentioned this or not, but the bike had another issue... the Stator died on it so I had to buy a replacement. It now charges 14 volts at idle and I'm relieved. It stranded me on the highway the other day and I had to push it 1/4 mile down the road before anyone stopped. Anyways, on to my situation...

How am I handling all this emotionally? Truth is, I'm extremely grateful for all of it. I had 6 years of growing with this person, and although our relationship has changed, I have a friend for life and I've reached the point where instead of sadness about it not working out, I have gratitude for what was, what I learned and who I became because of all of it. I have sadness for sure, but most of that sadness comes because I care about her so much  and empathize for her own sadness.

It usually turns out with two people hating each other so much and being so incompatible that they just move on and eventually stop talking altogether. I think that seems to be the social norm, but I've grown to feel differently about things being that way. There's no reason for me to hate her just because we can't get along as husband and wife. In fact I have always had a ton of love for her, more love for her than anyone, but love isn't enough to keep two very different people together sometimes. And I'm okay with that.

As I've grown, new levels of feeling and understanding have developed in me. Understanding doesn't rid you of the pain of life, but it can help put it in perspective, which can drastically change how you feel about it.

Strange Day...

So today, I had some weird guy knock on my door and ask if some dude was here.... My wife said no and shut the door. 5 mins later a violent knock on the door happens. As soon as I open the door I see a figure running down the stairs and across the road yelling "Mother fucker better give me my goddamn money!"

There was a white car parked across the drive and he got in. The driver made eye contact with me and signaled his hand, but I don't know what for. I said "Are you ok?" and they just hurriedly drove off.

I closed the door, sat back down working on my email to Scott about my problems and asking for a refund.

5 minutes later there was more violent banging outside the door... I went to the peephole to see some guy in a red turned-back hat and black hoodie kicking and banging on all 4 doors on our level... He was moving like he was on drugs. I have no idea what the fuck it was all about but I heard someone calling for him. I decided to get my camera and when I went to the kitchen I saw the guy getting into a white Ford focus...

The lens was smudged unfortunately and my settings were shit... but I managed to get a side shot of the guy in the red hat as they hauled ass out of the complex.

I called the cops and reported them... The car is registered about 40 miles north... I hope they stay down there.








Then, as spooked as I was, I decided to lock the bike up. I went to the put the chain around the tire and I saw this:

Some fucking asshole, in the last few days has been cutting on my chain! So fuck him. I moved the bike to right in front of my apartment next to another dude's bike in the same spot.

My maintenance man and I went to the shop because I was curious as to how long it would take to make those marks... Well, the lock was so slippery that he could barely get a notch started! They must have been there for a long time.




Anyways, aside from that, I really wrote a detailed, frustration riddled email to Scott about wanting a refund and how his clients are in for trouble... I'll likely post all this later, as it's a HUGE time line showing just how deflective and evasive he is...

Anyways, he said he was going to give me a refund, and he sends $1,500 (which is only half) to the wrong PayPal address... We'll see if I end up getting it all back or not.