The Greatest Start The New Year

I just had the single most amazing experience of my entire life. Ever.

I usually wake up several times a night to go pee. So last night was no exception. I had two alcoholic drinks hours before bed and I had two egg, sausage, and cheese burritos with some mayo I had made. They were incredibly good tasting.

So I got up to go pee in the night and as I was coming back to bed I made sure to not open my eyes so that I would remain in a sleepy mood. As I laid there in bed feeling tired but unable to drift off, I thought about coming out here to my computer to continue trying to solve an issue I have had with the Robots not working properly. Two ideas came into my head about what might be wrong, but I told myself to try and remember them and sleep instead, because as I held up my watch in the glow from the bedroom window the time was only 3:30 am.

Then as I drifted off to sleep it happened....

I remember sitting down on the toilet looking under the sink to my left at a white tile floor. The tiles were about an inch square and glossy. The grout was white. The sink was attached to the wall and was free floating, like the sinks in a gas station bathroom. You could see the shiny steel drain pipe coming down and going into the wall.

As I was looking down I saw my wife's feet walk in and stand near the sink and start talking. I never looked up, because I was kinda zoned out staring off and only half listening. Everyone does that from time to time. All of a sudden I noticed a light yellow scorpion next to her foot with its tail raised up and I shouted "Oh my god there's a fucking scorpion next to your foot watchout!"

She screamed and moved back, and then I noticed another scorpion about a foot away from the other one, between me and the first scorpion. I utter shock I yelled out "Holy shit there's two of them?!?! What the fuck!?!?!"

And then there were more and more of them and then it hit me. I said out loud "This can't be real, this is impossible!! I must be dreaming, this has to be a dream!!"

As soon as I realized that, I started saying "Wake up, wake up!!". It was the craziest thing I've ever felt. I could feel my body sleeping in the bed. I could feel me moving it from inside the dream. The louder I yelled, the more I could feel my sleeping body struggle to make the sounds and movements in real life.

At this point of feeling my sleeping body, I thought to myself "Ok, I have to scream as loud as I can, and maybe I can wake up or make a noise in real life." I knew my wife was sleeping next to me and I wanted to make a noise that would wake her up.

I screamed as loud and as long as I could, and I could feel the pressure of my sleeping body plateau. It's like when your hand falls asleep and you are waking it up but your grip is only so strong no matter how hard you try to grasp something.

I realized that I wasn't waking up, and then I realized something else.

"Wait, I'm dreaming, I can just change what's happening!" So I did. The details are fading quickly, but I know I decided to fly. I was flying around a city during the sunset. It felt like Chicago. As I was flying I could feel the negative G-forces in my gut as I was descending. I wasn't flying like superman, I was kind of upright. So as I was descending it was like the feeling of standing in an elevator but stronger. I landed and was walking around the city and I had a thought. I said to myself "I'll be I can look at someone in the face and because this is a dream I won't be able to focus real close on their face and see the details."

So I walked up to a lady on the street and grabbed her by the shoulders. She was a lady in her forties with short hair and a slightly tanned face. As I turned her toward me I looked her right in the eyes and studied her face. Sure enough I could see detail. I was amazed. I think her face had changed soon after that, but I didn't really notice. The entire thing was so fluid, that I never noticed the changing locations.

At this point I was like, "Hey, I'm going to try having sex. I always wake up during the sex and I never get to finish." So I stripped her down and we started having sex. It felt really great. It felt real. The strangest feeling began to come over me though as I was nearing orgasm. I began to feel like I had to poop, but a very specific poop. Not the kind where you feel the emergency, full bowel type of sensation, but one as if you'd just went and there was that tiny bit left that you couldn't get out and was sitting right at the end being stubborn.

As I was having sex with this woman I had began to remember that the night before I had a super realistic dream about having sex, but I hadn't finished. I kinda chuckled.

Anyways, as I focused on that strange feeling I was having I began to theorize that it was my sleeping body tensing up and reacting to the dream. It honestly felt like my prostate was pulsing and that I was having an actual orgasm in my sleeping body.

After I had sex with this person I suddenly had the urge to fly to outer space and travel towards the sun, so thats where I started heading. I had only made it probably a few hundred feet off the ground when I began to realize that it would take me forever to get there. It never crossed my mind that I could just fly faster, and so I decided to come back and fly home, which was represented by some apartment I had seen in a video game. Anyways, when I got back home I remember standing in the living room and feeling hot. There was an industrial sized fan on just sitting there circulating the hot air and I was uncomfortable. At this point the thought had come to me, and I don't know why, but it was a realization that I could essentially recreate in this dream, any sensation that has occurred to me in real life.

With that thought, I pointed my hands in a quick burst at the Fan while shouting "Cold air!" and then the fans started blowing out thick chilly air. It was fucking amazing. It was all as real to me as the reality you are sitting in right this moment reading this.

Strangely, after having sex and flying around... I felt this deep understanding that I was somehow out of ideas and for a lack of a better term, bored. I remember at one point early on that I had felt a fear of the potential for things to get really scary, but I quickly comforted myself by declaring that it was a dream and all I had to do was change it.

The last thing I did was sit down on the floor next to the industrial fan. I had my arms around my knees and I was just looking out from several floors up at the sunsetting city. Somehow the apartment had a gaping open terrace that I didn't feel the need to question.

I was filled this gratitude. Several years ago I had the most impactful experience of "suchness" and understanding, and it changed my life forever. I was aware of the magnitude of that moment and knew that it had not been diminished in any way at all. It was the core of all my life and experience. But this moment.... This was the most amazing experience as a being I have ever had in my life. I knew the difference between the two. I was overwhelmed with gratitude looking out over the city and then my eyes began to trace the floor back to my body and I was simply looking down near my feet. I began to cry tears of both Joy and sadness. I felt so blessed to have experienced this, and so sad that I could not directly translate this experience to my wife, who I knew was sleeping just next to me.

With that state of mind, I told myself it was time to wake up. I actually was pretty sure I wasn't going to wake up, but I began to watch the shift take place. As I was sleeping body was waking up I rolled from my side over onto my back.

The thing is, the dream was so real that I never felt like I transitioned from sleeping to waking. It was like watching a movie where someone floats back to their bed in one uncut angle.

I don't know what to say.

It was a perspective changer for sure.

As I rolled over and looked at my wife she was slightly awake and I told her all about it. At that point I was still filled with deep deep emotion.

I told her it was just like the matrix. Thats the best I could describe it. It was so powerful that I can't imagine any waking experience on any drug being the same. I think you need to lose consciousness in order to free your brain and embrace the possibilities. I think there is too much distraction in a waking state with your eyes open. If this is the DMT experience, I want to go back.

Strangely enough as I was describing the experience, as amazing as it was, I can't imagine what I would do in the next one. It's like having a game genie on life.

So now here I am. Wondering how the fuck it happened. What triggered it out of all the nights in my 32 years of life. Why now? Why didn't I wake up when I screamed and tried to? Why did I wake up immediately the only other brief time I realized I was dreaming in this one dream years ago, and wanted to stay? I had never gotten to do anything but realize I was in a dream that one time.

More importantly, what does this show me, or mean about my "Real life"?

I don't know that yet. I think I've no choice but to linger in these thoughts and feelings for awhile.

Perspective is just that. Perspective.

*UPDATE*

The very next night I had another Lucid dream in which I was in control and knew it was a dream. This one was very slippery though and I had to keep reminding myself I could control it. It's been too long since then so I don't recall the dream, but it amazed me that I had another one. In the dream I said "Am I dreaming?" as I do in waking life to train myself to say it in the dream, and sure enough I was dreaming haha! 

I've come to realize I don't think I'd like having these kind of dreams frequently. I think I would run into trouble knowing what to do with all the freedom and knowing there isn't a real person there to enjoy it with. It might be too much work to be experiencing all the time. 

The Beginning of My Robotic Trading Career?

Made it back yesterday afternoon. I didn't take my good camera on this trip because I didn't want to deal with carrying it around everywhere, but I wish I had taken it. Chicago was pretty awesome. Frankenmuth (Michigan) was pretty nice as well, and I just would have taken some grand pictures as usual. 

Remember how I said the number 7 seems to like me? Well, I was in row 7 again on the flight home, and during a White Elephant ornament exchange my number was 7 as well. I laughed pretty hard when I unraveled the folded up scrap to see that number! By the way I got a purple stiletto ornament, which is fine by me!

On the flight home I watched a documentary called Billions In Change. I had downloaded it from YouTube months ago and was glad to finally watch it! Another great one, no depressing stuff at all so I highly recommend it!

Anyways, I have some news to announce. After months of effort and researching and emailing, I finally got a portfolio of robots. I have a funded TradeStation account to run them on as well. The offer being made is 5-9 robots for $3,000... So when I was emailed one file of code which had only one file to attach to a chart, I was a bit confused and feeling a little aggravated. Turns out the code is actually just one robot that has tweakable variables. You attach that same robot to every chart and tweak it into profitability. What you are really paying for is one robot and the hundreds (Reportedly) of hours Scott has spent tweaking these setting per each individual currency pair so you don't have to do it yourself. The good news out of all of this is, is that if you have the one File (Robot) you can attach it to any chart you want and tweak away until you discover a way to make it profitable at no further cost! That is something I may do in the future, but for now I have other problems. 

So, let me explain TradeStation to you a bit. It's a relatively sophisticated trading platform designed to robotic trading, but also has in depth features outside of that as well. It is very complex and I think I will be trying to get used to it for awhile. The good news so far, is that my dedicated computer that is already running 3 instances of MetaTrader 4 can also run TradeStation with the 10 robots as well. It has no problem so far. My main issue is that with all the the charts set up and trading, there seems to be a problem I can't figure out yet. The Strategy is taking analyzing the markets and all that correctly, but it's not actually executing trades in the simulated account for some reason. I'll need to fix that for sure. 

One other problem, or issue I'll need to address, is that my backtesting results aren't lining up with the results I was given. Naturally the thought arises that I got scammed somehow, but I haven't been convinced of that just yet. I think there may be some setting that got lost along the way...

Either way, to keep this short I'll say this: My goal is to get everything running smoothly and lining up with the info I was given, and then run the portfolio on the simulated account for at least a month or more, and see profitability. Then, I will go live with small position sizes to see if live trades execute in a manner that lines up with the simulated account. I will keep you posted on all of that as it happens, but I plan to be pretty busy with it and may not be posting about anything else for awhile. We'll see. 

Flying Metal Tubes, Black Sholes and Pissing People Off.

Ok, so my flight was interesting. At the last second the departure gate was changed from gate D11 to C7 and my seat was changed from 13E to 7E. I swear that number is intrinsically woven into my life. I'm not superstitious, so to me it's really just a number, but I've had so many directly awesome things revolve around it.

So, later on in the evening after landing and getting the rental car, there was an error in google searching the hotel address. It routed me all the way out of the city and then I realized the hotel was actually very close to the rental car place. By the time I got back the Odometer was 3,777 miles LOL.

Anyways, I found myself later that night at a local bar sitting across the table from a guy who had already had way too much to drink and we had started talking about trading. The conversation started off interestingly enough, but at one point things turned and He straight up declared that it's mandatory that I know what the black sholes model is if I'm going to be trading.

A little back story though, when I told him I was getting into algorithmic trading he said he used to be a day trader, and that He "had a good run", but is now doing some "real estate thing". I have met several people in my years who have "Been" a trader at one point or another and I could tell by the way he spoke about his "Good run" that he more than likely got his ass handed to him like most people. The way he was so bitter in the conversation about trading was just more evidence. If you are actually successful in the worlds most amazing business, you don't just walk away from it after being one of the 5% that actually make a good profit. You don't go from the fully liquid equities market,  to illiquid assets like real estate. And furthermore, you don't refer to trading as "Gambling" in a bitter demeanor, that really doesn't make your former success believable. (Although yes, I do consider trading a form of gambling, that doesn't mean there aren't self controlled professional gamblers that make a comfortable living at it.)

Anyways, when I told him I had heard of the Black Sholes model before but didn't ever take the time to learn what it was, his drunk eyes turned black (like that shark in Finding Nemo) and he hunched over the table and told me (As if I'd just spit on his mother's grave) "You have to know what the Black Sholes model is if you're going to trade. Period"

And that's when the conversation really turned sour on the inside, but I could tell he was trying hard not to let it spill over to the outside. I asked him what the Black Sholes model was, because I was partly pandering to his insistence and partly deeply curious about it.  All he could say was basically "It's a formula for analyzing options to arrive at a stocks true value" and I knew right then and there it didn't apply to me. Why? Because he was talking specifically about stock options, and I don't have anything to do with that. I found it hilarious that he insisted I needed to know this, yet didn't actually explain to me what it was... He tried to explain what options were to me, because he must not have believed me when I told him I knew, and yet somehow I ended up finishing his sentences ;)

I am a pretty clear speaking man, so I told him what I truly thought. I told him that I think people that don't truly grasp trading tend to think religiously about a method; like there is only one way to make money and that if you aren't doing it their way you're going to fail, or that it just doesn't work. I told him that the age old CTFC warning of "Past results are not indicative of future performance" is total bullshit, and that all we have to go by in this world is past performance to mold our expectancy around. I told him I don't give a shit about the method, over the data, and that to me data is all that matters. He even tried to tell me that trading is a "Zero-Sum" game (Meaning that for every loser there is an equal winner) and I'm pretty sure I stepped on his feelings when I corrected him that it was a "Minus-Sum" game because of slippage and commissions, to which he laughed as if that somehow doesn't make it what it is. And yet one of peoples biggest concerns is trading costs...

Anyways, after a heated discussion about trading he ended with the usual "Well I wish you the best of luck" Which is really meant as "I can't wait to hear that you failed, because if I couldn't do it, I know you can't do it!"

Well... I don't need luck. I need a winning strategy backed up by loads of viable data, and the discipline to enact that strategy with immovable belief even in the face of inevitable draw down.

I'm not for one moment claiming I'm going to make it, but hell, in the six months I have been home I've already out-traded 95% of people simply by still having almost 100% of my capital. I've done leaps and bounds better than I have in the past. I've had the discipline to not tamper with my trading robot, and I've not taken any giant losses in my discretionary account like I have in the past.

I still have room to improve and always will. I don't think I'll ever permanently get "There" because growth is a constant battle and the road is circular. Habits are constantly in the making. And if at the end of the day I can't get profitable, I'll have to come to accept that. But for now, it's still too early to call it, and too early to give up, no matter who thinks I can't make it.

How can I honestly take someone's negativity personally when I know they are part of the masses who often never hold any disciplines that require the true hard work of inner development? Of course they are going to be negative, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. Especially when the best examples they get of human triumph are from the movies instead of their own lives? And when the truths they get about trading are from the twisted media and stories of failure from a "Friend of a friend who knew a guy".

Impossible metal tube

Made it from SLC to Chicago yesterday. Got drunk and stared at hard by another drunk guy sitting across from me who said "You need to understand the black shoels model!!" Angrily.

I'll elaborate more later, just wanted to say I am safe and having fun.

I love Snow

Best Documentaries of 2015

 I just finished watching The True Cost on Netflix. It is simply an eye opening look at the problem of human greed and neglect for those who produce. For once, I watched a documentary of that nature and wasn't left feeling horrible about the world. I simply understand what's going on. I'm thankful I rarely contribute to that particular problem, as almost all of my clothing is purchased second hand. 

 Another wonderful documentary I saw late last month is called SlingShot. It was an inspiring look at a mans understanding of a simple need to bring water in the most effective way possible, and the giant setbacks that continue to occur along the way. I really really want to see this work out. It's so simple and so necessary. 








The human problem is so abundant, but so fucking simple it's just super clear we live in an insane world. Be good to others. Share resources. Treat people with love and respect. Don't waste shit. Problem is, the developed world has grown up isolated from the undeveloped world and doesn't know the true depth of the problems that exist. Hell, thanks to rich mega-companies controlling the laws and the messages, Americans barely know the truth about it's own countries crises... Greed is the ultimate blockade to caring about others it seems. It causes us to block out the possibility for true, action-inspiring compassion.

I can at least say, I came away from those movies thankful as hell to have the things and comforts and opportunities I have.

Back Home

Made it back home yesterday from a 872 mile door to door drive. Besides getting up at 4 a.m. it really wasn't all that bad, and what was really great was to come home to a totally clean and organized home. I loved it.

Had some drama with people, which I spoke up about and ended up being kinda the hero. Annoying and unwanted person decided to go back home, simultaneously showing that their own comfort was more important than being there for their son and grand daughter to be.

Basically, my brother-in-law's dad came up to Washington to be there for the new baby that was due December 1st. (She didn't come until the 9th though, just after I left) Well, I was there mainly to be the buffer between the in laws and my Sister in  Law, as she isn't comfortable with her husbands dad. He is after all, a self proclaimed "Dick". The second day of their visit I was awoken and told I needed to diffuse a situation, as the Dad had pulled her and her husband outside alone, and proceeded to scream at them about their finances. By the time I made it to the living room my sister-in-law had thrown up and peed on herself due to the stress of it all. I spent 20 mins doing dished deciding what the hell to say. In the end, I told him that whatever the conversation was about was none of my business, but the results of that conversation where, meaning: Don't give my sister-in-law that kind of stress while you're here. 

I was extremely surprised that this abrasive redneck asshole didn't get all riled up and get in my face. On the contrary, he barely made eye contact with me. Long story short, a few hours later he was walking his bags out to the truck to leave for home. A 2,500 mile drive back to Kentucky, because he "Wasn't going to stay somewhere he felt he wasn't wanted". Of course, he couldn't say that to me, I had to hear it from his son, who was super pissed at me because his parents where now leaving because of me. I did what was in my heart and I stood up for someone who needed it. She was very relieved to see them go.

Had some drama with the car, which scared the crap out of me because I was seriously sure it was not going to make it back home. Thank God it turned out to simply be a seriously clogged EGR valve and I had brought all my tools and took care of it! I also took a look at the spark plugs and they were disgusting so I bought new ones and replaced them.

Had some drama trying to help a close friend of the family change the breaks and rear rotors of his Cadillac. He was supposed to meet me at the on base auto shop at 8 a.m. because that is when they open, and they fill up fast. He had been up working till 1 a.m. that morning and had a girl over as well, so I was pretty sure he wouldn't be awake. Problem is, I missed my 7:10 a.m. alarm somehow.... I woke up with enough time to get to the shop @ 7:51. When he finally answered my 10th call, he said he wanted his friend to come a long so he would meet me back at the house. By the time we made it back to the shop, all the lift bays were taken and I had been telling him since the day before "We don't need a lift bay to change brakes and rotors", but he responded saying "My dad broke the frame of his Cadillac lifting it up on a jack". Yeah... because cars aren't made to handle their own weight...

Anyways, because he was determined to use a lift bay, we drove to another shop about 15 mins away. I called on the way and out of the 10 bays they had, 8 were already gone, and when we arrived all of them were taken. We had to drive back to the original place and start the job 2 hours late. It was kinda frustrating, but getting the job done (With only a jack and stands btw) was satisfying. He had also purchased new calipers because some tire shop told him that his were ceased when they inspected them. Turns out they were perfectly fine. When shops suspect that you know nothing about cars they will try their best to take advantage of that! Luckily, he returned the calipers (Which were the wrong ones anyhow) and by a stroke of luck he had bought them on sale and the store made a mistake and gave him back twice what he had paid for them... Pretty funny.

Had some drama with my trading, due mainly to trying to trade on my laptop, and lost about 4%. What's worse, is that I entered a trade that would have made all my losses up plus a profit. It was the last trade I took and it went nearly to the profit target I had set, and came all the way back down to break even. Had I just held my stoploss and accepted the risk, I would have made a profit that day (EUR Rate decision). BUT, and I call attention to this for all of you traders reading, I do not regret moving my stop to break even. It was my decision and my plan and I followed it, which is what matters.

You can see by the chart below that the move was huge and took place over a few hours instead of mere minutes like usual. Part of the reason I lost so much money was because the buy and sell order windows kept disappearing on me, so I had to go down to the task bar and find them again. It really screwed up my timing.

Nothing else to report at the moment.

Seattle Washington

Made it to Tacoma on the 29th. The car was working wonderfully the entire trip, except for the fact that it was burning about a 1/2 quart of oil every 200 miles. Every time I pulled over I would check it and add. On the last leg of the trip, in literally the last 3 miles, the car started acting weird with very struggled idling and clunking noises...

This sucks. So, I have to try and figure out what is wrong. My biggest fear is that the oil got so low that some sever engine damage has occurred... I've got the oil level taken care of, but it's still acting very poorly. I'm about to go and try to clean the throttle body out again to see if that solves the problem. If not I may not be able to get home...

That would suck horribly. Anyways, here are some pics I took.