It's embarrassing how long I have been involved in one way or another with the markets when I think about it some times.
But, I also look back and can easily say I just didn't take it seriously. I know I still have a lot more consistency to build in my current state, but I am far more serious than I have ever been.
My wife and I just recently took a vacation road trip for our anniversary, and I can with out a doubt say that it hurt my focus big time. I have not booted up the charts once in the last 2 weeks. I have barely even turned on my laptop.
For the first time in my life I think I can actually notice some fat gain on my stomach just from this trip of indulgent eating, and it annoys me.
The state of things currently are this: I am disappointed with my lack of discipline for everything in my life at the moment. I am having trouble sleeping through the night because I have to pee, and getting up to pee makes it harder to go back to sleep and feel rested when I do wake. My body is (or was) acclimated to getting so little sleep, and each night on our trip I slept only 4-5 hours.
My eating has been difficult to be disciplined with since I got back. I can feel my body craving things way sooner than I want to eat. My late work nights and lack of sleep are really making not eating outside my window a difficult task due to the increase hunger hormones released as I am more tired.
My sugar position is still in profit, and I have been checking in on it once a day, noticing that the price action seems to be preparing for some more upward movement. OJ also consolidated for a bit and looks to be taking another stab at breakout the $1.70 level soon.
Overall, my trading confidence has waned a lot. Yes, I had this run of profitability on paper, percentage wise, but dollar wise (which is all that really matters) has not been the same. My confidence is not what I would like, because my consistency is not what I would like, because my commitment is not what I would like.
I have a few projects at the house that I have been distracted with, and while I have been doing well building this fort thing for my kids, in the back of my mind I have a growing worry that I'm not going to do well as a trader. It's this anxiety and I know the projects are a welcome distraction to actually doing the work and putting real money at risk... It's disappointing to see in myself.
Also, I am realizing that lower back has never healed from the bulged disk I got several years ago. Every time I stretch in an attempt to make some progress on my flexibility goals, my lower back hurts all day at work... That is frustrating as hell. It makes me feel like my body will never feel better and that I will never be able to achieve the goals I have for it. This is all pretty depressing.
Regardless, if I want to succeed I need to just get back on task and keep repeating the process over and over. That is the only way I will ever make anything worthwhile happen in the market long term.
On top of all that, I have this damn $100k hospital bill shit that insurance hasn't worked out yet looming over me. It is truly frustrating as hell and I just wish people would do their damn jobs.
Anyhow, I just felt compelled to write a little. I am feeling down, but it's important not to wallow in it. Back to work.
