Knowing Thyself

I don't like the fact that nearly everyone you meet seems fine, minus of course the employees at your DMV. The reality is that life is fucking tough and things are not fine all the time.

I am not fine, and so I just want to document that, because I don't want to perpetuate that social illusion. Here are things I am observing about myself:

I have this overwhelming sense of abandonment. I didn't know what it was until last night, but now I am sure that is at least part of my problem. I have pains from past relationships, mixed with some sort of additional insecurity in my present life. Then I get angry with myself over the fact that I feel these things and have not yet been able to figure out how to change my programming about them. I know that at least part of my separation anxiety comes from working so damn much and not feeling like I've had good quality time with my wife. She mentioned to me last night that her sister invited her to hang out for her 30th birthday and do some bucket list type stuff and have a blast. Even though it's planned for April of next year, it gave me anxiety right now, because it caused me to envision having even less time when I am already feeling at a deficit... I got immediately depressed and angry over my depression. I know that my attachments are my choice, but that knowledge doesn't always facilitate making the choice. Programming is a mother fucker and is difficult to change unless you have specific access to the thoughts that lay out and cement the "code" so to speak. What I am getting at in general is, I know my attachments are my responsibility, but in spite of my efforts during times of struggle there is as fog over it all that keeps things dark and immovable. I do not want to be so insecure, and have been trying the best I know how to dissect and correct this, but I can't tackle it. I trust my wife. I don't think she would cheat on me or put our relationship in danger, but every time she leaves me and goes to a party without me, I get this separation anxiety and it fucks with me hard. I can't figure out the specific reason I feel so needy. Is it just because I haven't had ample quality time due to work, or is it something that would be there just as strongly if I was always with her being close and connected? I have homework to do, and I get the feeling that will only be able to be processed upon further negative feelings coming around.  I want to be close enough to care and be deeply connected, yet be healthy in moments we are not together. If we are together and close, everything about this life feels positive and worth it, and when we are not, I really don't have enthusiasm about anything. Is that healthy? Well, that's ultimately for me to decide. Many people go to zen bullshit because they are hoping it will solve the suffering in their lives, when the fact is, that is an inescapable aspect of human existence. You can't have one without the other, but, balancing the two is the art of it all. I am simply seeking a way to balance things a little more. At the same time, I don't want to be so lax about my connection that I don't care enough, and therefore don't connect in a deep and passionate way as I do now.

I am scared of being poor. I am always thinking about money, and it causes a lot of anxiety sometimes. I used to be $30,000 in debt with credit cards and student loans, which isn't much these days, but I didn't want to pay it and filed for bankruptcy. During those times as a younger person I would assign whatever new or leftover cash immediately for something of pleasure, be it food or a video game or just some useless junk. While I have plenty of money right now, pretty much every cent of it is assigned to things like trading/investing, or just plain savings as a safety cushion so I have less anxiety over being prepared for the future. So, I don't really feel much better most of the time, even though on paper everything is nice and safe. I get buyers remorse over buying a $5 video game that is 70% off it usual price... I don't even purchase it, so I guess it's not buyers remorse. There are so few things I feel are worth my hard earned money, and that is why I have amassed so much of it, by being completely opposite of my younger self in the way I value things.

My diet is on my mind for probably the first time in my entire life, which is Ironic because I have always, and I mean always, eaten whatever I wanted and have never had any issues with weight gain. I still don't, but my point is, ever since I have come to know the health benefits of cutting sugar out of my life and intermittent fasting, I have had an obsessive analyzing going on pretty much whenever I eat anything. I am constantly judging myself for anything that goes in my mouth. Hell, with intermittent fasting you are supposed to eat withing a window no greater than 12 hours, and I regularly do 18 or more hours of fasting, eating within only a 6-8 hour window, and I still feel this anxiety even when I break out of that for a day or two and eat withing a 12 hour window...

I have so much garbage food in my house and I hate it, because it's too damn convenient, so I go to it if something healthier isn't already prepared, or if it's late and would make too much noise or take a longer time to make. Part of me wants to just fast for days and really start burning this fat I have on my stomach, but I sense that my lifestyle and the stresses I am already going through might make that extremely difficult. Hell, I am also afraid that at my age, I might alter my metabolism and actually make things worse... I don't know, but these 3 things are on my mind a lot lately, so, I guess I'm a normal everyday American...

Regardless, these are all fear based things, and I don't want to be afraid. One last thing, is that for the first time in my life I feel I have never been so unproductive... For the life of me I can't seem to instill a freaking routine I set out for myself. I take the time to brainstorm it, I implement it for a day or two and then I get distracted and it falls by the wayside and I am tired of looking back and seeing that once again it has happened and I am nowhere better than before. It doesn't seem to matter how I try and remind myself either. Whether it's sticky notes all over the house, notes in my phone, or written on my dry erase board... it all blends in and becomes invisible again within a short time. It truly seems like the biggest problem I have (and suspect everyone has) is the inability to stick to implementing a plan, let alone arriving at one. This seriously needs to be solved.

Stretching is really important to me, as is working out, and learning to trade stocks. But I have accomplished nearly none of that in the past month because of this reason or that. It's like life is too big and busy for any one person to do it all on their own self sufficiency anymore. What the fuck happened? When I was 20, it's like I had absolutely nothing to do. I worked my 40 hours, came home and screwed around for hours until it was time to go to sleep. Now, I don't even have time to watch TV or play video games somehow... And even if I do have time, I can't allow myself to enjoy such things because my mind is plagued with anxiety over other responsibilities involved in furthering my life so that I can actually have guilt free time enjoying shit. How backwards does that sound? It sounds so simple: Just do the fun shit like you used to. But, as a man with a family to provide for, a mortgage to pay off and tons of "stuff" to upkeep, there doesn't legitimately seem like there is time for "me" if I'm to keep order to the life I lead now. And you know what, I don't want to just be another person stuck working for someone else for the rest of my life, allowed to vacation only once a year because that's all the time I have accrued at a job. That is not freedom. So the battle that rages on in my mind is one of "I am so tired of working so damn hard" while immediately responding with "This hard work is supposed to secure the freedom you desire, and will be worth it when it is no longer something you are an unwilling slave to".

Summary of Crypto Profits

Just figured I'd document the actual gains on my crypto currencies.

Bitcoin was a 2,460% Profit, Litecoin was a 352% Profit and Etherium was a 330% Profit.
My futures account currently has the $30,000 in it and I am debating whether or not to get into an OJ contract at todays prices or not, because the crop reports are saying theres only an estimated 45 million boxes produced this year due to hurrican Irma's devastation. If I go long right now, I can add if prices come back down to the $1.00 level, for an average entry of $1.19

The Time is Drawing Near

• Got last years taxes done (getting back about $3k)
• Figured out taxes on Bitcoin. (gonna be about $3k)
• Totally found out my Futures gains will only be taxed at like 6%!!!
• Transferred $30,000 to Interactive brokers, still have another $7k I could send as well.

Been watching Orange Juice and it has been coming down a bit from it's highs in the $1.60's last year. Basing in the $1.38s, but I am hoping for further decline. My money will be available at the broker on the 9th and I am looking forward to putting it to use.

Here is my wife and I studying together as we do most mornings.