How I'm feeling

I think we all fall into the groove of fooling ourselves that we aren't what we really are at times. Perhaps the majority of the time.

My life has been about looking as directly at what I really am as much as I can, and even then as years have passed I find myself realizing how poor of a job I've done in spite of so much effort. Sure, I feel like I know myself way better than most people do, but on second thought I feel I can only qualify that in a very limited area.

I am not as honest with myself or with others as I initially was when I was younger. Time has piled on actions and results that I would love to remove and forget, but such an introspective one as myself doesn't accomplish that so easily. I've expended a lot of energy in the last years and more in the past 6 months than I think I have consciously in my life. I've long said that "Distraction is the only cure for awareness", and I've been engaging in a cycle of deep distraction followed by acute awareness lately. It hurts, and it's difficult to deal with.

I find lately, noticing immediate judgment in my own internal thoughts, which usually causes me to rephrase my self dialogue because I am that stupid about it. I notice a lot of external judging and immediately call myself out on my own bullshit. And since we live an an entirely relative realm of existence and perception, it's all bullshit in the end. But that doesn't stop it from having such an impact when it's believed and held in value.

I've already lost the initial reason I came to write any of this in the first place. The honest moment has me wanting to punch through the cab of my truck and turn off the reefer trailer that is running right now to power my truck... it's so odd, because it is running all night while I play games and surf the net (code for porn) and I almost exclusively get aggravated when it fails to shut off after I try to go to sleep. But for some reason, it is currently beating in my brain as if it's all I can focus on and I hate it.

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I am a person who cycles greatly, of great extremes, and that is the core reason that sparked me coming here. I was browsing the new porn galleries on a forum I regularly look at and it just finally came to a head in my consciousness that I am totally tired of looking. Tired of seeing. Firstly, tired of looking at shapes, textures and curves of women, but it evolved into quickly realizing that I am tired of being couped up in this truck, away from practically everything I call life. My bike, a stable home, people I care about, the weather...

hell, FAMILIARITY.

the thought came across my mind today as I was listening to the joe rogan podcast, that I was an example of something they were discussing. Joe or his guest, I'm not sure which one, said something that sparked my attention. "I wonder if all highly talented people come from that background", to which he was referring to a background of having moved a lot as a child. An adaptive mechanism that drew something out of them, somehow. I hadn't moved a ton as a child, only once, but I realized that what seemed to really matter to me was that beyond childhood I became someone who watched important people and things come and go from my life. Extremely important things.

I think that has contributed to what I am in the sense of someone who has become lately one who has difficulty investing in people and ideas. A way of life that has led me to be a deflector of social things. Yet, at my core I have always been a very social, trusting and inviting, investing creature. I think what I am witnessing within myself is a very recent change due to the events of the past year or so of my life...

For one, I've never felt like such a horrible person in my life. I've hurt people I cared about in ways I never would have thought I would, and I think I am still dealing with that and trying to recover while being as close to loving and investing as I can be. I've watched and met tons of people in my life that were the outcome of what I seem to be becoming and I have always tried to imagine that one outcome of a situation doesn't mean anything concrete, yet I am watching myself degrade into a person that internally believes that.

It's a battle for sure, and although for my entire life I was gathering information about who I was, and I felt I knew very well who I was... events I never forsaw in my life have literally changed who I am, and the learning process is anew. I am a changed person, and I am not really happy with who I am.

So, that is the social part of this, and I can also say that I am scared to fail when I get off the road.

I smoked marijuana once about 7-8 years ago and it was the single most impactful moment of my life. I want so desperately to go back to that moment, because contrary to everything you are experiencing in this moment, that moment deconstructed whatever idea that ever existed of good or bad, right or wrong.. Not as an overarching excuse to do wrong, but literally the obliteration of all relativity that allowed right or wrong to exist.

it was amazing. I knew. I understood, that all the things i cared about or were afraid of were dust. Illusion. And unless you have been there, it seems laughable to hear it or read it maybe, but goddamn if I could go back...

I don't know what I want to say right now, I just know that I am scared. Scared that I will fail. scared that I will not find in myself that pure thing that winners have that just makes them win at all costs. Scared that the things I love and have loved will cease to be. Scared that I will be doomed to be unfree, as I struggle to provide a life for myself that contains meaning, happiness, love and loving accomplishment. In other words, I am scared to be a slave to the bonds of mundane... well, what I would personally call dreadful "Work".

I don't want to lead a life of quiet desperation. I love so many things, and to exist in a world where I cannot persue those things and get by in life in the practice of them makes this all feel like a nightmare.

I remember when I was younger, and had to get up hours before sunrise... already chained at the neck by the bidding of my employer.. and I'd get home well after dark... with barely the energy to enjoy myself.. falling asleep exhausted and afraid of the next brutal day.. I would rather fucking be dead than live a life of that shit. seriously.

My only hope is to somehow turn that fear and hopelessness into power and motivation to make sure at all costs that does not happen again. To get home, get serious, and make this fucking plan work out.

All the people showing confidence in me so far, has only shined a light on the tiny whisper in my mind that tells me "They love you, of course they will only tell you positive things". My fear is that I will find out I am just another loser that doesn't have what it will take, and yet I struggle to rid myself of that worry, and replace it with an iron will that says I WILL NEVER GIVE UP.

That is the only way it will work I think. I think... I have no words left tonight on this matter. It has been a long and hard day and I am going to play rage now.