Searching.

Who am I and what do I want?

I find myself unable to answer that right now. I am aware that I am a culmination of concepts and experiences working themselves out within a biological system, but, I am also aware that I have no drive to move in a specific direction, which is where the point of all of this is.

I was beginning to watch Anthony Robin's netflix thing called "I am not your guru", and it got me seeing some things. For one. I am living in so much fear and acting out of so much fear. I am in a cycle of distraction away from the things that scare me. I look for projects around the house to do because it keeps me from trading related things. I do them and lie to myself that they are important enough to warrant my attention over trading, all the while knowing I will get nowhere doing this.

But what do I really want?

I know I can't truly exist as someone that has a true sense of security. I don't think I can be invested and care about things without the desire for security regarding them. Do I really want to trade? If I look at my actions, no. When I was just going with it and on a positive run of winning days, sure, I had little problem getting up and getting to the market to take advantage of opportunities. But when my discipline started crumbling and I took some big losing days, I didn't even want to get out of bed. I knew when I woke up in the morning, that the resistance I was feeling that kept me tired and in bed was the same resistance every trader might feel, but the winners are separated by the fact that they push through it and do the work regardless. If I am honest with myself, I do not want to do the work. I want the work done for me. I do not want to spend hours upon hours scouring charts to get the real data on whether or not a pattern works, especially after paying someone $1,400 to teach me about it. But I know that the responsibility will always lie with me, for each outcome of my life.

I have faced the fact in the last few days that I am a passionless man. There isn't one single thing I have the earnest desire to do anymore. Hell, I'm not even interested in sex. I don't want to be bothered by it. I find myself jerking off out of the mere convenience so I can sleep. You know, it seems the only thing I have any sort of desire to do anymore is distract myself from trading. I am afraid to lose money, but before I can even lose money I have to backtest, and I am very resistant to that. I thought I needed a break from trading, but I don't know if that's true. I honestly don't know what I need because I don't know what I am about anymore....

I do not like people. I do not like myself. Genuine happiness is a sparse part of my day anymore. I seem to spend so much time cursing and being angry at things so easily now. I don't know how to find or get back to the place where I actually feel passion about going in a certain direction in my life, and all the while I am not passionate, I am watching myself slip lower and deeper into this slump.

Hell, before I started my drive home tonight I had some inspiration because I was watching Anthony on netflix, but along the drive home, I got zapped of it all and just felt like sleeping. I barely feel like writing this, but I am.

The only motivating pain I feel in my everyday life at this point, isn't coming from the actual state of my life and driving me to have better circumstances really, it's from noticing that I in fact don't care enough to pursue anything. That is what hurts, and that is the thing I do not know how to change. No amount of notes written during a glimpse of inspiration and truth ever seem to have a lasting effect on me. I see them, read them, and just feel like I don't give a fuck because I'm not there anymore. I keep hoping this will pass, but it also seems that I have started down this miserable path ever since I became interested in trading again... I feel like I am genuinely hating trading right now, which is crazy because I'm not even involving myself in it, only feeling the resistance to involving myself.

So who am I? I don't fucking know. I know all the things and concepts I am not, but I have no motivation to create myself outside of that. I'm just a program that doesn't understand itself right now. I don't even feel that financial freedom would solve anything because what good is freedom without a drive to express that freedom? What good is the ability to do anything you want, when you don't want to fucking do anything? What good is having all the stuff, when there is no feeling of accomplishment?

And really, I suppose that's the issue. I wanted to use trading as a vehicle to accomplish my goal of freedom, but I don't want it bad enough to life a finger. There is no contentment without overcoming something that provides a sense of progress. I can't find what is needed to move forward, and that only depresses me further. I truly am lost at the moment, and it might all be because I took on the path of something I truly don't have what it takes to pursue.