There's very aggravating family drama on my wife's side between everyone, including me. I can't sum it up easily except to say that I can't stand hypocrisy and people who judge me and treat me like shit before they've even heard my voice. The pattern of my life has been simply that the parents of who I am with, fucking do just that. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the justifying with "That's just how they are." and having to be the bigger person every goddamn time. This is my fucking life and I am not obligated to give third chances, or invest in ANYONE I don't feel like investing in, regardless of who they are, or who they are connected to. period.
I wrote this post on Facebook quite awhile ago, and it still stands true today:
If you take the time to read this, please take the time to digest it.
The real struggle lies not in continuing through hardship because you have faith in a positive outcome; That is what inexperienced souls calls struggle. The real struggle takes place when you are exhausted of faith. When your soul digs at the very bottom of the pit in your chest and nothing is exhumed. We hope so badly that we can find it in others, that they can give it to us... to make it our own...
"Just give me rest".. through words, through actions... Anything. We are so desperate for faith, because it validates every inch we fight to move forward. You could argue that without faith, there is no forward. (If reading that finds you feeling nothing, then you have no place for input about it because you simply have not been there.)
But in 32 years, the only thing I have ever truly found, is the fight itself. You fight because you hate that pit. There is no other reason. You try to bury it in every distraction possible, only to see it as empty as it was before, every time you look at it. Most who say they have faith, well, they are the blessed ones who cannot perceive the pit. And yet the trade off is that they also know nothing of the root of their deepest sorrows. They are spiritual children who cry and don't know why.
This is what it is like to be me nearly every single day of my life. It is why I take the things I do so seriously. This is not depression, it is knowledge. It is the closest thing I have to truth if there ever was any. Depression, logically follows, such as it naturally does with any of you in your cause and effect lives. Depression is not the cause, it is the effect.
I have no power, but what I am afforded by the Universe... and I want to feel some control. Just like you, I want control over my life. Only difference may be, the pit is over my head like the blue sky is for you. It won't let me forget for long. So when you hear me get upset because I want things a certain way... It is because I see the dark distance coming and maybe you don't. I'm not happy surrendering control to anyone or anything that doesn't surrender equally to me. Everything I have is already going to be taken, and I've no more tolerance to be a stepping stool to the nonreciprocal. Helping hand in the perception of virtue is one thing, stepping stool is another.
I have standards for myself as well as the people and things I choose to be a part of my life, and I am just trying to explain why I think those standards exist. We are all different and I respect that, but what I respect has no correlation to what I choose to allow into my life. I think far too many of us mistake respect for obligation. You can respect me, and have no involvement with me whatsoever and I can respect that as well.
I cannot cause change on my world as a whole nearly as easily as I can on my immediate environment. So that is what I spend nearly all my energy shaping. Because control is pleasure. Control is distraction from the far larger lack of control we are all subject to in the end. I keep my house, my vehicles, my financial life, my job and my personal life in as much order as possible, and when necessary I loosen control of those things to allow balance to shift into a place that can allow me a feeling of progression once again at a future date. All the while... 90% of days, feeling motionless in the grand scheme of things. That is my burden and I don't expect anyone who doesn't feel the same to understand it.
The burden is so heavy, that I want what I want, how I want it, if it is within my power to make it so. And if I think it is within my power to make it so, I will work my ass off to make it so. The problem with me, has always been belief. If I don't believe, it is very hard for me to be convinced without results. Likewise, if I believe something won't happen, I need results to believe it will. If the people in my life have achieved something before, I believe they can do it again barring some change beyond their control. I like to hold all those in my life to the standards I have seen them achieve before. Not to dictate, but because I love them and I know that the thrill of triumph is so much better than the agony of defeat and I would want the same encouragement. Sadly... many in my life have not been so good at encouraging me the way I need. I want to be encouraged, but not with pleasantries. I work best with logical reasons.
I have the tastes in people and things I do, because I do. It is that simple. I am 5'7" because I am 5'7" not because I chose to be. If there is a way to be happier by wanting less quality out of the things and people in my life, why would I try and program myself to want less quality rather than fight and push and grind away to get more quality? Out of things.. out of people?
There has never... NEVER been a time in my life that I recall someone wanting what we both thought was a higher quality out of me, and I didn't agree or want to become someone capable of producing that. If I have the choice to grow and turn parts of myself into a better person for all of us, then I want to do it. And I just don't think lowering my standards is, or ever will be the way to do it.
So with that said, if I ever give you shit, or argue with you, or feel sad about your results... it is because I am so deeply invested in seeing you kick ass and take as much control of your life as you possibly can. I will not be changing for anyone any further to accept less than what I believe you are capable of, and I want you to hold me to the same standard, because you love me. We are all human and we all falter, but the human spirit is capable of so much in the face of trial and we can lift each other when we are weak.
Tough love, is included with REAL love. I do not ask anyone in my life to go through anything I am not willing to do or haven't done before. There's almost nothing I dislike more than hypocrisy and I am constantly working on removing as much of it from my life as I can.
Let's go down swinging.
Let's go down swinging.
I love you
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