Home again...

Had a really rough night of sleep the night before last. Too much thinking. Shit about life and all that. I recorded some of my thoughts, but I'd have to listen to it to write it all down.

I realized that day, that I don't think I would actually give someone like me a much of a chance if I knew all about my past and things I've done.. or even my present thoughts and judgments about things. I am realizing more and more that I have become an abrasive, negative person. I used to think I was an awesome person for the most part and now I just feel like a dick.

I witness my thoughts about people and most of them are so negative... Part of me says I shouldn't be that way and see the world the way I do, but I think in the end I can't avoid thinking and feeling the way I do. I just feel like the world is fucked. Because of people and no other reason. There are some truly amazing people and I have had the privilege of having some of them enter my life at one point or another... but I am feeling overwhelmed by the rest of humanity.

People and their beliefs make me sick at times. I was at a park yesterday and there were all these hippies. Some of them were beating on drums and playing guitar and there was the scent of Marijuana floating through the air occasionally. I love that smell.

I sat there watching all the people. Mostly young adults and teens, but a few seasoned gray beards. I couldn't help but notice how uncomfortable I felt. I saw these people doing things seeming to be so care free and I said to myself.. "It's the strangest and most ironic thing..." And it was so clear to me then, but it is unfortunately not at the moment... The basic Idea was that they have what I want...

Which I later came to understand that they are no freer or less defined than anyone else. They are simply in a place they feel comfortable so obviously they can behave as such. It just happens to be a mound of self identity bullshit which for the most part is the polar opposite of me. And even then, I consciously step into my identity when I do so, but what does it matter really.

Anyways it was really weird to witness the same shit now that I had seen in highschool... People dressing up and wearing accessories and makeup and all this intentionally weird shit... just to be an individual. They don't see how fucking similar they all are. I had to keep trying to remind myself that I was there at one point in my life as well even if it wasn't to this degree... Those people need to be lead, by other people who've been through shit and can make obvious things that they are currently blind to, obvious. (sorry, shitty structure)

But then again, it is what it is. Life was my teacher. The mistakes of others have been my teachers. A lot of the time, you will never learn the lesson without going through the lesson. Hearing the goal at the end doesn't change anyone usually because they aren't invested enough to take any of that shit to heart.

...Feeling uncomfortable is part of life, and so is wishing you didn't feel that way when you do sometimes.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about people lately. Missing them. Wondering what they are doing. Feeling wordless.

..Anyways, what really put me in a shit mood happened while watching two cops at the crowded park approach this man. They politely asked him to get up and they walked him to a quiet place to speak to him. Then one young kid in front of me cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted "BOOO!!" repeatedly at the officers. Then within literally 10 seconds the entire crowd of people were booing the officers, calling them pigs and telling them to fuck off...

And then I raised my voice and said "BOOO I'm a follower and I can't say boo until other people do it first!" I doubt anyone heard me, as I wasn't really trying to be heard, but I was so pissed off at that. An entire crowd of people can sheepishly come together negatively over something so fucking mundane... yet they can't do something equally positive... just a bunch of fucking ignorant people and I'm tired of hearing about it and seeing it everywhere I go. I literally felt like standing up in front of them and saying "You're screaming at two strangers you know nothing about because they came up to another stranger you know nothing about to talk to him! For all you know that guy is an escaped sex offender and you're booing police officers who never laid a fucking hand on him! You are ignorantly lashing out instead of being rational! If someone came here and started mowing you fucking losers down with a gun, every single one of you assholes would be more thankful to see a cop here than anything else, so fuck you!"

But, I just got up and walked away, feeling like shit over humanity in a deep way ever since... We just don't fucking know how to think about shit critically and the honest fact, is that there are loads of humans on this planet lacking enough intelligence to ever do so. And there are no laws that keep them from breeding and making more idiots. Not that I think a law like that should exist, but damn... I wouldn't mind if there were...

If there were a law the put sociopaths of a certain level to death, I would have been banished by that law as well, but the world would be better off being filled with a ton of people who can actually consider others as if it were themselves... I'd gladly trade my shitty existence in for a world like that. ...And here I sit, in the most blessed and spoiled nation in the world calling my life shitty. I mean it only in the sense that I think it's total bullshit that you can feel unbelievable, nearly unbearable pain so easily, yet the logical opposite of that doesn't seem to exist. Fall off your bike and see how amazing you feel. Entropy in our tiny slice of reality, is king and if there's one thing I hate, its that. Why the fuck is it always so goddamn easy to destroy what takes so fucking long to build?!?!    Trust, a relationship, a house, a bank account, any physical manifestation period. what the fuck man...

The world is simply fucked. So the best thing I can do is just try to focus on my own life and make it the best it can be right? No. Because that line of thinking... that kind of "ignoring the worlds problems" is exactly the mentality that keeps stupid idiots self centered and in their own bubble, unable to feel sympathy or empathy for others. It makes sure assholes stay assholes and I don't want to be any more of an asshole than I already am... The universe has taken billions of years of existence to bring us to this point: Where most would let any tragedy happen to another human (as long as it's not us) for gain.... If there is one evil, it is ignorance. Every other evil is possible because of that.

I don't know. But deep down my gut tells me that it just is what it is. As vague and pointless as that might sound, it really doesn't feel that vague and pointless to me anymore. It's part of accepting every facet of your existence, included that part of you that does not want to accept any single part of it. It will simply be what it will be. And you don't know what that is until it manifests.