Just got home from a crazy day at work. Not really crazy, just a ton of very slow driving due to the snow storms that have finally arrived.
Anxiety has been slowly creeping into my existence as of the last couple of months, for many reasons, none of which actually matter. It's not some "It's all illusion so it's whatever" kind of thing, but more about the fact that it is the opportunity itself that matters. More specifically, the opportunity to be more conscious and develop the habit of zooming out and relaxing. It is a tough battle for the nature I usually carry, but ever since my hospitalization last year, I have been somehow endowed with an ability to start moving forward and through my feelings of difficulty, rather than be overcome and blinded by them.
Some specific feelings that I notice as of late are the lingering notions that there is so much to do and not enough time. Which, is actually true, but I want to find a structure mentally that allows me to more easily accept what I do have time for, and let go of the rest. It's simply something that must be developed. (fuck I am having so much trouble typing tonight. tons of backspacing.)
I need to get my taxes done. There's what seems to be an entire subsection of prerequisites before I can accomplish that. I keep wanting to read my new books, but I haven't the time, and when I come across the free time, it's either late like now and I don't truly have the energy or mental capacity (to properly type, let alone comprehend reading a book) or it's a situation where I have time alone with my wife and want to spend it consciously with her.
There will always be something to do, especially for an ambitious person like myself. I feel it laughable to call myself ambitious though with my lack of actually completing shit lately.
There is the deplorable feeling every day for me in regards to my lack of connection and dedication to the markets. There are so many resources available to me for study and preparation for trading, that, it's honestly overwhelming.
I guess I am in a sense, a self inflicted victim of too many choices in my life, who has also burdened himself with obligations that leave him so little time to do any of them, that when time is available, paralysis sets in and nothing gets done. Hell, even when I attempt to get things done, I can barely focus, do a shit job, and end up feeling pretty miserable about what I've "Accomplished" before I notice it's already past time to head into work if I don't want to get home so late I'm too miserable to wake up and trade the next morning.
I've never felt so damn out of line in my life. I am so unproductive I can't stand it!
So anyways, here I am at 10:44 pm on a Friday night sitting in my chair in the living room. Partially awake, hungry because of lack of sleep, too damn anxious to sleep, and too drained to do a damn thing. I barely can write this, but it was the largest compulsion I had besides eating food, which I will feel like crap about immediately.
I know I am blessed beyond belief, and that my lack of sleep is fucking with my ability to genuinely feel it. My wife is fucking awesome. I have so much potential.
I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow, but I don't want to get strung along by distractions. Perhaps I will do my taxes. I need to be able to write all these damn things down when they come to me, but I forget them when I have the time. Lists have become such a negative thing for me because... I just forget to look at them. But I need them.
Anyhow. I'm going to publish this now and then sit around wondering what to do next.
No comments:
Post a Comment