So today I decided to Google the phrase "Children are soul crushing" and there wasn't a Goddamn thing that had to do with it that came up. It was all about children's feelings and protecting them from getting their feelings hurt by shit. Then I Googled "i hate children" and found out there is a whole group of people out there that refer to themselves as "CF" or "Child Free".
I recognized immediately two things. One, as I started reading what people felt about children, I felt better because I was not alone. Not crazy. Secondly, I was well aware that I was just looking for information to feed my already strong bias.
As with anything, there is a ridiculously strong division, extreme on both sides of the argument, that makes both camps look entitled and off base. It's like an argument from someone in which they want freedom of speech, and freedom from being offended...
I read several things I completely agree with though, such as I don't wish harm upon children, I just want to avoid them as much as possible.
The best comment, and one I agree with most so far is this one:
Children can seem pretty horrible. They are not socially adjusted, they are noisy, unreasonable, and unpredictable. If we spend most of our time with adults, (Which I do) we can begin to expect children to behave like mini adults. (Which I also realize, I do) When this happens, they seem to behave just like the adults that we despise the most, and we carry these feeling over to them.
My advice for dealing with children is to tolerate them when necessary, teach them when possible, and be certain to spend as much time away from them as you can.
What I have come to understand in the recurrences of my distress, is that the whiny brats that I live with demonstrate such emotional sensitivity/weakness and relentless entitlement/hypocrisy that all I can see in them is their father, and I fucking hate his guts and wish he were slowly disemboweled by a train. To clarify, I don't actively hate him. I think that word is an exaggeration, because to me, hatred is a soul sucking energy that just won't go away, and is so powerful it eats at you permanently. While I would enjoy hearing the news of his disembowelment, I don't much think of him anymore, except when his children exude his nature to a T.
I fully understand that these children are simply results, like us all, of genetics and upbringing, which, I think their upbringing has been pretty shitty by my standards. If they were solely my children, their asses would have been handed to them at every level of disrespect until they knew who I was and who they weren't. That doesn't mean they would feel unloved, just have a deep sense of what is tolerable/respectful and what is not.
So, why am I searching "Children are soul-crushing"? Because I have just been burnt out giving my all to try and raise these people so that they can face the real world, where shit is actually difficult. They are so disconnected from reality that it drives me nuts to hear them complaining every few minutes about something. The thing that makes it so much harder, is that they go to their dad's house 50% of the time and unlearn everything that matters, because he is a lazy, uninvolved piece of shit that has no emotional development himself.
For the moment, I have given up. I don't have the energy to care about a single fucking word they say, especially in terms of wanting me to correct their siblings poor behavior. "You don't like what so and so is doing? Join the fucking club and learn to deal with it on your own now."
I have to find a way to adapt if I am going to make it through this, and if my marriage is going to work, because this shit is truly soul crushing, and relationship crushing. I hate children, and I am not ashamed to admit it. They are fuckers.
The thing is, if I give up like this, maybe they will just turn out worse. But, my parents raised me pretty horribly and I turned out just fine because in the end, no matter what example they set for me, I could see past it because I had the intelligence to think for my self. I always have had that to a high degree, and it makes me feel fatalistic about it all. You either got it or you don't, and I've always had it, which has actually led me to having more of it as time goes on.
I don't want to be responsible for these people. If they weren't total assholes to each other, their mother, and me, I would happily be singing a different tune and would welcome them. I read a comment that really resonated with me. I can't find it again, but it was basically this woman had hoped she could come to love her significant other's children, but she never could. She left him because she knew it wouldn't be fair for either of them.
Thoughts of freedom from this situation regularly enter into both of our heads, and we discuss how much better life will be when they are grown up and taking care of themselves...
Look, I know it can sound like I myself and just a piece of shit because I feel this way. I get that. Don't think that I have not tried desperately to arrive at a place of acceptance for this situation. I did feel like I could come to love these kids as my own, but I don't. I didn't even love my own as my own when I had him. I was, and probably always will be too self centered to raise children the way they need it, but I have put a tremendous effort in this time around. I am just burnt out for now. I hope to be renewed shortly.
I know I am putting in the effort, because I am tired of the effort. I am tired of the effort, because every single thing I do feels like I am a huge asshole because I am repeatedly trying to instill healthy habits in them, so it feels to me like I am constantly judging harshly and complaining no matter how measured I am and tactful when I say it. They just break down and don't want to hear the truth. That chips away at my resolve.
The paradox of parenting is you want a great healthy relationship, but how do you get that when the children resist vehemently at every thing you try to instill, for their benefit as a future adult? It is soul crushing.
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