Shitty dreams and a Trading Day

For the last few years I have regularly had strange and very negative dreams almost every night. As a younger person I would have called them nightmares, but somehow I am usually just able to live in the dream and be a part of it as if it were normal and not scary or anything, even though it feels 100% real. Last night I had a significantly difficult dream. I dreamed that it was night out and I was in a strange country walking in the dark with a flashlight towards a gated off airstrip runway. As I approached the gate, several two headed animals approached me, like tigers and hyenas. Their heads weren't side by side like most two headed creatures, but rather stacked on top of each other. I was afraid of them, but they just approached and sniffed me and let me be. I entered the gate to see a few black men dressed in green military uniforms greeting me, as if we were acquainted already and I had been there several times. They opened a door and we began to walk into a tunnel. It was a cramped tunnel with no lights and a muddy dirt floor, as if it had been flooded or raining recently. I was very uneasy emotionally as I was walking down the corridor trying to avoid puddles that had formed in all the deep muddy footprints. As I reached the end of the Tunnel there was a little cupboard or closet type space and I opened the door to find two children inside wearing nothing but diapers. I realized that one of them was my son and he was blind. He was in the dark, and he went to lay back down after I opened the door and shined the light on him. He looked just as he did the last time I saw him, a little blonde-haired, blue-eye toddler.... I felt so bad to watch him lay his body down on the cold cement inside that little closet in the pure cold darkness.... He just laid back down as if that was all he wanted to do, as if it was all he ever did...

No one was there to take care of him. He was abandoned... I had with me a few small pillows and I spoke to him "This is how I like to sleep" and I showed him that I like to sleep with a pillow between my legs. He didn't respond and I had to once again realize he was blind, so I touched his body and positioned the pillow between his legs and put another one in front of him to hug... It was devastating. And then I woke up and wanted to cry. I've done some pretty horrible things in my life, and as much as I try to forgive myself for them and realize that I am human, I obviously have not forgiven myself.

There are few things that hurt worse than having a dream in which your son is blind and abandoned in a freezing cold concrete floored closet. Just watching his tiny bare chest touch the floor sent chills through my body and instantly reminded me of the time I was in jail. They keep it so cold there, and no one cares about you at all... period. They live a totally separate reality on the other side of that cell door. You may as well not even exist. And that's how I interpreted the cold silent moment with my son... I felt his helplessness... but what was even worse, I watched his innocence shroud him in not being able to understand anything about what was going on, and only knowing and accepting it as reality.

I feel torn up inside, even right now, imagining that situation and that I am the cause of it. If I had any sense at all, I would have picked him up and taken him out of there... but for some reason, as in all of these terrible dreams I just follow the script because that's what's laid before my eyes... I wish in that dream and all others like it that I wasn't just a human on rails following a locked in destiny of my morbid unforgiven mind. I should have been the hero that rescued that boy instead of assisting him in his imprisonment. I am so mad at myself, and I try to tell myself it was just a dream... this one hit so close to my heart. I shared so much love with that boy, and I went from being #1 in his life to not existing at all... I have my reasons, and they stand firm, but there is a price to pay for every choice made. My choice was to stay completely out of his life knowing he would be well taken care of, rather than being someone he loved so much that only had the opportunity to be in his life a few times a year, if that. I'd rather him forget about me completely. I'd rather have these horrible dreams, if I can wake up knowing it's just me guilt tripping myself and not him agonizing over me in real life. At this point I've been gone for over 5 years, and that is how long I've been beating myself up about a decision that was supposed to be best for him. No amount of money, or personal success will ever take the burden of that decision off my shoulders, as well as other decisions I've made in my life. I hate that these truth's attack when I am supposed to be resting. I need rest. My soul needs rest, and I don't know how to find it.

Skip a head several hours later and many attempts to sleep that were unsuccessful...

Here are some trades I am up in at the moment in the stock market and my trading EURUSD Rate decision trading day.

I would really love to have the balls to trade this awesome action, but I don't have those balls AND I have a dentist appointment for a crown consultation soon and I don't want to get stuck here at the computer.