Well well...
we made it to the end of the year. I am sure each one of us has learned at least one thing about life and ourselves this year.
You know, I am not one to really give a shit about most holidays, especially not my birthday because those are just illusions and gimmicks anymore that ring people into spending money and feeling guilt and lack.
And although it's all just one grand illusion, I think it's important for us to have the end of something and the beginning of something else. Seasons change and bring about times and feelings we may have forgotten. Memories. Just like drinking or doing a psychedelic drug and remind you (or show you for the first time) that what you thought was reality, is and only ever was or will be a tiny slice of the big picture.
I've learned things about myself this year. Like a child growing into an adult in some ways, I look back and say to myself "How could I not see that". I say that in respect to trading and in respect to the developments that have become aware to my consciousness as a human.
Throughout this last year I have become aware of more bullshit inside me than I have in a long time. And at the same time, none of it changes what I have known all along about the world itself.
I've taken the extra effort and time to practice seeing other people and myself as more than the visual image my brain sees. To see the skeleton below... all the muscles moving, the programs and code firing away to produce what seems to be a person. I've felt for a long time now that when I am talking to someone all I am doing is witnessing mechanisms at play. Like the roll of a dice they simple fall as they do and I am witnessing the outcome. I feel like I am no different, and it doesn't burden me at all. I don't feel special, but I do feel a little different and I suspect that is only because each individual entity can not help but witness individually because it is not yet capable of sharing a consciousness.
I look at the market some days and go "This looks so easy". I look at it other days and feel a deep anxiety about how on earth I could possibly keep this up successfully and when in the first place I will actually if ever feel "Successful" at it.
I mean, how much? How much time, money or action will it take before I say to myself "I can do this and I know it".
So far I have only seen "Results" but nothing that feels like a pattern I can place absolute faith in. And then that immediately reminds me that there isn't a single thing in existence I can place absolute faith in, why should trading be any different?
Learning to be at peace in the unknown and the discomfort has been my lifes work.
Not so dedicated all the time, as I like to forget quite often what it is that I know that motivates me to be so uncomfortable.
There are a few base things I see about myself.
#1. I am a sexual being. I am in love with sex, with women and the image feel sound and taste of them. The way they move... I often notice that I literally imagine them as objects of my will, simply because so many of them disappoint me in real life. I spend ample time wandering in my imagination of them as if they were any other thing I enjoy in life. I imagine to most, especially to a woman, I sound like a total dick... and I suppose that is okay with me and I find that completely understandable. At face value it seems like I am discrediting them. But, I am not. What is really going on is that I am simply being honest about the way I practice the freedom of my own imagination. Freedom is so important, and the beauty of it is, I think I do a pretty good job of not letting my imaginations of things like that pour over into my real life interactions with people. I honestly think I am way more genuine and honest with people than most, but it's because I can separate imagination from everyday real life.
I suppose I have just painted a picture that I spend vast amounts of my time drooling over daydreamed scenarios of women in my head, but that is far from what actually goes on.
My attention, as I assume is similar to most peoples, is rather short sighted and easily caught on the next thought.
I think what it really comes down to, is that I am a pretty fucking passionate person. Whatever it is I am feeling, I allow myself to dive down deep into it. When I am envisioning something happening, whether it is a woman, a car, a lifestyle or event... in my head it might as well be real.
I have long realized that I seem to be contrary to a lot of people in terms of remembering a childhood. I seriously have very few memories of my youth. It's almost as if my life started happening when I was 15 or so. It's always made me notice that I can't recall my childhood when others remember and tell of theirs. It makes me wonder, am I blocking out terrible shit?
But then again, I can be in control of an 80,000 lb truck and suddenly realize I couldn't tell you how the hell I've even stayed on the road for the last 15 minutes. I get so caught up in imagination that I am on autopilot. It amazes me. So it makes me wonder if I have just had such a gravitational imagination all my life to the point I never actively paid much attention to my childhood or not...
#2. I want what I want and if it's not worth it for me to compromise I tend not to do it. That leads me to be rather impulsive about things. People in my life have played the largest factor in this regard. I used to have an enormous amount of patience with people as a child, but I am now coming to suppose that it was because I had no concrete value system in place because I had not yet learned to think critically yet.
I was often the tool of others, giving in to their will because I was too busy feeling confused about what was going on and had no instincts to pause and question many things. Now, I am much better at that.
#3. I am certain that I am uncertain.
I don't mean that to sound stupid and comical at all. I guess what I am noticing about myself is that the more time goes on, the less energy I find myself having to invest in anything... or most things. I certainly don't feel like joining the debate about right or wrong, true or untrue much anymore because I've spent years realizing I simply don't know. And in my observation it has become what I think is the single most honest thing any person who is truly paying attention can say to themselves and therefor to anyone else.
I've spent years now, feeling this way, yet also seeing that context is indeed the basis for all so called fact. So to me in the grand scheme of things I see no facts, but in any single minuscule focused context, truth is pretty easy to derive a fact from. The issue I have, is that this grander part of me often overrides the tinier "contextual allowance of fact" part of me.
If I knew people understood where I was coming from, I might have more energy to engage in conversations about things, but I've met less than a handful of people that would get it enough to make it worth it.
so in that regard I am easily viewable as a person who is wasting his life not doing anything about the problems in his world. And yet the people who see what I see ultimately arrive at the conclusion that if all things are relative, problems and solutions are moot, even if they so acutely bother the person who suspects so.
I've come to establish a coined phrase in my head this year... that "Depression is simply seeing what is true". and by true I don't mean absolutely, verifiably true, just a word to mean something like any other word. Life is all about perspective it seems. That is why one man's trash is another man's treasure. It is not the thing itself, but our perception of the thing.
So...
What if I died tonight? And I don't ask this to induce emotion, but, would it matter?
What does it mean that something matters? Does it mean that another thing perceiving it is affected? The meaning of life is that universal question. I've come to, at least for now, stand on the notion that all is all. That sounds fucking stupid doesn't it?
"Goddammit guy, just get over yourself already and shut the fuck up!" right? haha.
What I mean, is that if you are a thing. and you can see other things that arises the question of separateness doesn't it? Consciousness is a real bitch because the thing is the only thing feeling what the thing feels, and yet we see other things that are simply extrapolations of the same stuff that all the other things are derived from. If you can't see the edge of the universe, how can you live your life supposing that there is an edge? And yet so many do it. And I don't find fault in that, because if we all sat around trying to find the edge there would be no time to hunt food and thus we would cease to exist. And yet we do exist and now have more time than we've ever had (if we really wanted to use it) to think about that edge that none of us have seen yet.
To break it down somewhat, I guess I am for the moment simply a thing that hasn't seen the edge, realizes it hasn't seen the edge and yet has an overpowering notion that nothing is absolutely what it is without finding that fixed point. And at the same time supposes that fixed point will never be found while he is alive and concludes that immediate context is necessary to a enacting and sustaining what would be necessary to survive.
All the while, observing thing after thing assume that context is the whole and absolute, finding little interest in conversing with what seems to be a crazy person.
And yet here I am, posting on an Internet to them... Just more of the same undefinable, yet defined jargon we ingest to keep progressing through nothingness.
All the while holding both an understanding of why I keep doing it, and not knowing why the hell I keep doing it. It all just is what it is and I haven't yet found a clearer more genuine way to feel about it.
Happy new year to all of you. I wish you as much trial as it takes to feel accomplished. I wish you as much disease as it takes to feel grateful for your health when it returns. I wish you as much confusion as it takes to give up, yet keep going. I wish you the love and physical affection as your body desires from whom you desire it from.
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As for the new year, I think my only real goal right now is to be ready when it is time for whatever it is time for. I am a little scared, a little anxious, a little excited and a quite a bit curious as to how and what will all pan out.
-Francisco D'anconia
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